Fit Darcie

I did another late workout last night. It was a totally different place during 10 and 11:30 last night than it is between 7 and 9. A lot more gay people. By a lot, I mean, there are none during the times that I go and there were 4 last night.

Apart from the gay guys, there was there was some fresh meat I’ve never seen. One guy, super cut, naturally built  and delicious looking, was training super hard. Like I mean training his legs and everything (men rarely work their legs, a real pet peeve of mine). He was clearly training to be a boxer (or so I hope), doing some really high intensity exercises. He looked like a jerk, and other than drooling from a distance, I ignored him like I do to most of the guys at my gym. Until I heard him speak. He’s African. With a thick African accent. I’m sold.

Because of a work dinner last night, I went to the gym a little later than normal, so the regular idiots were leaving as I was going in. I run into George (never mentionned before because I think he’s decent. Notice he gets a first name??) and  Ape-Arms as they are leaving. Ape-Arms asks for a hug. A hug?????? First of all, I’m not that into hugging. Second of all, I don’t even know this guy’s name, nor am I friendly to him at all. I was not going to hug him, but what do you say to that. “Sorry, you creep me out and I don’t want you less than 2 meters away from me.” I awkwardly ran into the gym.

There’s this trainer at my gym. He’s about 6′2″, maybe 190 lbs. He’s a skinny dude, with arms the size of watermelons. His arms grew in about 3 months too, which tells me he’s on roids. The other day, he told me his favorite color was grey (I was wearing a grey sweater); the next, that his favorite color was purple (I was wearing purple pants). He’s been giving me cheesy pick up lines like this since I started working out at this gym in September.

He also tells me all the time, that despite the fact that I am female, I still do male exercises. I don’t know if he thinks he’s winning any points by telling me this, but it pisses me off. What are female exercises? Why do men get their own exercises? Once this winter, there was a big storm, and maybe a dozen people made it to the gym that night, myself included. This trainer thought he would commend me for my efforts, and followed it up with “Women usually can’t handle the snow and can’t drive very well.”

That’s a pretty big generalization, and completely inaccurate. Just because I was the only woman there doesn’t mean that the rest were afraid of the g.d. snow. I’m always outnumbered 12-1 by the men at the gym. Because the men there are extremely old-fashioned and unrefined. This guy really thinks he’s complimenting me by putting down my gender and grouping me into his. He looks like a freaking ape too.

Last night’s conversation with him:

Him: What are you working on?

Me: It’s my full body day.

Him: And tomorrow?

Me: I’m just doing cardio tomorrow.

Him: Good, cause I’m taking you for dinner.

Has that line ever worked???

I was reading through a few of my company’s blogs yesterday, and a few of them from the business channel addressed the women’s fitness chain Curves and I thought I would throw in my 2 cents on the fitness chain.

Sean Kelly wrote on his blog that you can take a Curves franchise off someones hands for less than a dollar. Yeah, cause really successful businesses sell for less than a dollar. Sorry Sean, the franchise sucks, that’s why they are selling so cheap.

Bridget Wright wrote on her blog that it would be stupid to invest in Curves because they are never open and don’t offer daycare. Hmm, I think that’s an argument FOR buying the franchise…work 10 to 1 (with a lunch break), come back in the evening for a few hours, and never have to be around kids. I don’t know Kirsten…sounds like it might be a good idea.

I disagree with Bridget on who the target market for Curves is. It’s not geared to busy moms who can only fit 30 minutes of a workout into a day. Curves is targeted more to midlife women who have never stepped on a treadmill in their lives. (Or any woman who never has). It’s for women who don’t want to go to a man-infested gym (THIS might be a good argument for never investing Curves); women who don’t know what the hell a chest press is or what caloric expenditure means. These are women, who are recently divorced, or their husbands stopped sleeping with them, or they’ve never had a date in their life, or they woke up one day and realised they no longer have the body of a 20 year old.

The equipment is extremely basic. It’s full body circuit that if done properly, you can do in half an hour. I, personally, would never feel fulfilled in a place like this. There’s no where to go after you do the recommended workout. No new machines to test out. You don’t even have to think about what muscles you are working, because eventually, you get them all.

All the stuff that I think sucks about Curves, might actually be good for some people. I think that the people who do go to Curves, would never go to the gym if it weren’t for Curves itself, and their overly friendly, enthusiastic and helpful staff. It’s a great starting place for people who don’t know how to go to the gym. With the whole fat epidemic we have going on, I think the more gyms we have the better.

Ladies, I’ve worked in a few gyms, and have visited countless others. All the stuff that is good about Curves, can be found at any other gym. Most other chains have the same circuit set up in some corner of their gym now…and offer a shit load of other benefits…And personal trainers at other gyms are more likely to customize a workout plan just for you…unlike Curves, which follows just one routine.

In general Curves is crappy, but if it’s Curves or nothing…please…go.

I can’t stand it when men come in groups to the gym. Their workouts take 2 and a half hours, because they all use the same machine and have to wait for the 6 people ahead of them to finish up. I can understand the need to be a part of a group, and the need to socialize, but why not work out alone, get done in 45 minutes, then meet up at a bar to get all the social needs satisfied.

I do like to listen in on their ridiculous conversations though:

“My uncle evaded taxes his whole life. They only made him do 5 months in prison. He never has to work a day in his life now! ….Well…because he can’t get a job because of the criminal record.”

“You know, I just don’t know what’s up with people these days. I go to the club and every one’s getting stabbed and fighting. What happened to the good old days where people had a few shots and watched the stripper come down the pole?”

“‘Member that bitch I was scoring on da otha night? Yo, she was totally digging my biceps!!” (or something like that. I’m a farm girl from Saskatchewan, we don’t have a lot of Ebonics there).

Those, at least, are entertaining. But, I think the whole notion of having 2 or more workout buddies is a little lost when I see 3 grown men doing lunges on an exercise step. First of all, the exercise step is pretty wussy. Second of all, men who do lunges without any weights are wussy. Third and foremost, men who do it in unison to the music of Rhianna are wussy. What’s next, matching shirts??

As a follow up to my post last month on wife-beaters I saw a man last night who broke all the rules. I think he came to the gym right after he actually beat his wife. His shirt was all stained and holey and gross. It seriously looked like some of his wife’s blook might have been on it. I now assume that every man who wears this type of undershirt beats his wife. Even the hot guys.

I frequently hear my friends complain about people (girls mostly) who go to the gym too dressy; they were Lululemon clothes, have their hair and make-up done, etc. These friends claim that you shouldn’t try to look good at the gym, that you should go in old gross workout clothes.

Here’s how I read this complaint:

“I’m really ugly. I go to the gym because everyone there is ugly. If people look too good, I look even uglier.”

“I’m poor and can’t afford nice clothes. I feel better if everyone around me is dressed from the bargain bin too.”

“I rarely go to the gym. It doesn’t matter what I look like, cause no one will see me again. I am lazy.”

“My goal today is to not fit in.”

“I don’t know what I am doing at the gym. If I dress like a slob, people will just turn their heads and not notice how stupid I am.”

Friends, what you wear matters. You are being judged.

My gym offers a salsa dance class on Wednesday nights. First of all, my thoughts on this class: when I was in elementary school, we had one girl in our class who took dance, and she was fat. When I became an adult, I was ridiculed for my horrible dance moves, so I took a hip-hop dance class, and my instructor was fat. Point? Dance classes don’t make you fit. By my experience, they make you fat. So why the hell are gyms offering dance classes???

Anyway, that’s not my story. There’s this big dude that works out at my gym. I would guess that he belongs to some gang, or is a bouncer in some bar…his job definately requires him to have some brawn and bulk (so I call him Bulk Man). He’s pretty intimidating…not in the “Shit, I can’t talk to him, he’s too out of my league” kind of way, but in the “Shit, he’s going to beat my head in with a tire iron” kind of way.

Walking past the aroebics class yesterday, I peek in to make fun of the desperate fatties doing Salsa in hopes they can seduce a man, and standing front-row center is the Bulk Man- twisting his hips and flailing his arms around…sashaying if you will…I’m definately not the only one who noticed this…the whole gym crowded around the door to watch. Bulk Man had some pretty sweet moves for a 6′4″, 250lbs dude. Totally softened me up to him. Hmmm…I wonder if it’s true that you can tell what a person is like in bed by the way they dance….

So- woman doing salsa classes = fat.

Man doing salsa classes= hot.

This has been a long standing theory of mine. I beleive that the sounds people make while working out are the sounds that they make while having sex. The grunting, moaning, deep sighs, holding of breath, spitting, farting, purring…this is how I picture people sound while doing it. Similar to how some beleive the way you dance reflects the way you are in bed (I’m not so sure about that one).

I know some people complain about people who grunt and moan at the gym. I would like to encourage it. I’ve read that grunting during a heavy set can actually increase your strength by 1%. Also, it makes you sound like you are working harder than you actually are. The worst that could happen is you sound like an over-fed pig and I pity your wife.

The guy with the pyjama pants that approached me before: “So, do you work out on Sundays?”

Uhm, it’s Sunday, and I am working out. I will let you figure this one out.