These two guys were working out together today. I knew they’d be bothersome right when I walked in the door and they locked their eyes on me and followed me as I walked through the gym. As soon as I passed them, the little bald guy shouts “What you lookin’ fo sexy?” Uhm, the ladies room. I know where it is, thanks. An hour or so later, as I’m wrapping up my workout with some shoulder presses, he comes and sits on the bench next to me (mid set), leans in and whispers, just so I could barely here him “You sexy, you know that? You real sexy. You one sexy lady. You sexy”. That was a new gym first.

Hot: lifting heavy weights

Not hot: hurting yourself by lifting weights that are way too heavy for you

Too often, I see a newbie trying to show off by running immediately for the heaviest weight they can bear.

To the newbie: you look like a moron. No one would have noticed that today was your first day had you used a decent weight. Going straight for the heavy weight gives you away. A seasoned builder would never have done that. Soon, you will hurt yourself and you will never come to the gym again. And good ridance.

I usually don’t like to poke fun at others who share the same gender as me. But there’s a lady at my gym that needs a mention. I almost want to call her a cougar, but I think she’s too old even for that. She’s like a grandmother, who doesn’t want to give up her youth. She’s got bleached blonde permed hair, has been sitting under a tanning lamp for about 10 years straight, wears gobs of make-up and I’m pretty sure she wears fake eye-lashes.

Her outfits are what really get me. She wears a belt with her sweat pants and layered tank tops, with the top one saying “Hottie” or “Bitch” or something rediculous like that. She walks around with a rhinestone encrusted razr phone, that she’s always on. And she knows everyone at the gym (and she calls them all “honey”). Today, I watched her come out of the change room, and walk up to the biggest guy in the gym- who was mid bench press- and launch a big sm

Just when I think I’ve seen it all…some guy was wearing a toque on the treadmill. A TOQUE!!! Dude, you’re at the gym, no one is having a good hair day.

Because I’m trying to avoid Chicken Shwarma, I had to get to the gym early yesterday (and from hereon in). It was surprisingly quiet at the gym. There were a lot more women than usual. Odd. They were all dressesd up too, make-up and everything. I call these women “desperate”. Venturing out of your house on V-day if you’re not on a date is typically desperate. Yes, I realise I went to the gym as well, but I needed a good blog post.

The only stupid thing that was said to me yesterday was “It’s Valentine’s Day. Shouldn’t you be at home?” What? What is that supposed to mean? That doesn’t make sense at all. When I gave the Juicer who said that a perplexed look, he just responded with “It’s a Valentine’s Day joke.” I didn’t get it.

My mom wonders why I am single. Here is tonights gym story:

The guy who asked me if I was cop comes up to me “So, your husband must be really happy about all your hard work”. Ah crap. This guy is around enough that I can’t lie to him. “No, I don’t have a husband”. “Oh. Well then your boyfriend?” “Uhm, no, I don’t have one of those either”. Then I start working out furiously with all the focus in the world. A few minutes later, he comes back “So, do you want to go out with me?” I am fully prepared for this. I knew this guy wanted to ask me out even before the cop question. “No, I don’t date gym guys”. This is my secondary excuse to lying about being in a relationship. I’d never had to use it, but figured that I’d be giving a clear reason why we can’t go out. Didn’t work. “Well, you should give a guy a chance…what are you closed minded?” Crap. I SHOULD give a guy a chance and I don’t want anyone thinking I am closed minded. AND, I write this blog…so I say “Fine. I’m done in half an hour. You can take me out then.” He wasn’t prepared for this. He got instantly nervous and jittery, but managed to get out a “Ok. I’ll see you then.” Then my mind starts racing about all the things I can do to make him not like me, such as jazz hands after everything I say, or talking in pig latin. That last half hour was grueling. He stood over, watching me. Talking to me between every set. 4 other guys came up to me during that time, so he noted “You sure get hit on a lot. You should just pick one.” Uhm, didn’t I say I was going out with you? You won.

The Date- So I meet him at his car after a protein shake, assuming we would go someplace local and grab a green tea. He suggest we go to the mall (which is closed) and tell me to follow him. Ok. So I call my sister…I need to let someone know I am venturing off with some stranger. I don’t even know this guy’s name. We get to the mall, and I suggest 3 restaurants in the mall that we could eat at (one being Pickle Barrel, my favorite), but he wants to go for shwarma at some place accross town- in a snow storm. Fine. If you want shwarma that bad. Not sure why we went to the mall in the first place, but whatever. So we’re heading accross town for shwarma. He was a pretty funny guy, a little nervous. Here are some quotable highlights:

“I can feel your aura. It’s a great aura. I can’t see it, but I can feel it. It told me to talk to you. I’m deep.”

“I’ve never been with a caucasian woman before. Now that I’m getting older, I really would like to try it.”

“I was with a peurtorican (sp) once. But she already had a baby with a black guy, so she was ruined for me.”

“So you grew up on a farm? Did you have lots of cats? Were there lots of worms?”

“When we’re in a relationship, we should keep our gym life separate”

“Why wont you give me your number?”

This man was a vision- massive legs, ripped arms, blacker than night, great white teeth, works out like a madman…and, to top it all off….he was wearing a Motley Crue t-shirt. I melted. If there was anyway for him to never speak, he’d be the perfect man.

Why is it sometimes you see people resting for 2 minutes between each exercise, and sometimes they only rest for 30 seconds? The answer is that they have different goals. When you’re lifting really heavy weights (like body builders) your muscles need more time to rest before they can go again, so this is why you see big guys hogging the bench press for half an hour. Those looking to shape muscles and trim some fat will rest for much shorter periods of time, which is why you often see women resting for 30 seconds or less. The goal in both scenarios is to lift as much as you can, in good form, for the number of reps you wish to do.  Neither way is good or bad, they are just different and dependant on your goal.

During Superbowl. No one else is there.

Yesterday’s gym experience was one for the books…or…blogs. I had the most unusual comments made to me. The first was from some guy that I small talk with. Until yesterday it was “Hi.” “Working on your calves, huh?” and stuff like that. I don’t even know his name. Last night, he asks “Are you a cop?” Apparently, I look like a cop. He even tried to guess what division I was in. Ok. Then he told me that all the other guys are scared to talk to me because I look like a bitch. Which is true. I mean, read this blog. I aint exactly nice.

Then, some other guy wearing pyjama pants makes a comment about my shirt. He had a very thick accent, so I couldn’t understand what he was saying and made him repeat it 3 times. “Your boobs look better in your other shirt”. Was that supposed to be a compliment? My mom wonders why I’m still single.

Then in the change room, the cleaning lady asks me “Are you training for the police service?” Ok, maybe I do look like a cop. I say no. She asks “Are you getting ready for military training?” Ok, maybe I do look like a bitch.

I’m thinking I should start wearing my headphones while I work out…but then, what would I have to blog about?

Tags: crazy people, fitness, gym, gym culture