I started playing flag football this summer, and from my first day I wanted to write a post about it. The reason that never happened was because I found out that “flag” football is a wuss sport, and not cool at all; any chick who plays any kind of football is automatically deemed as not-sexy; the game is actually pretty boring; there is no sort of “fitness” associated with it- all we do is talk about what we are going to do.

Then today, at my last game (coincidentally, the only game in which I caught the ball), I find out that the other chick on my team got asked out by an opposing team member last week. This chick works as a hostess at a restaurant, and apparently, the guy asked around and found out where she worked and “happened” to be in the area.

We just happened to be playing his team again today for the finals (our team came out 5th in a 6 team league), and from what I can tell, and I am a really great judge of character, the guy seems really nice. So not only does some stranger find out all he can about her to get her number, but he’s also not the stalker type. This never happens to me. If anyone were to ask around about me they wouldn’t say “Hey, you see that girl over there? Know anything about her? She seems really cool and I love to call her.” The guys I attract ask “Hey, you think that chick’s easy?”

I think the difference is that when the ball comes towards her she stretches out her hands in front of her to catch it, whereas, I put my hands over my head and yell ”I DON’T have it”

One of the channel editors (Kori Ellis) at the company I work for commented on a post I did last week regarding strip dance classes. She said there were such a thing as mother/daughter classes. I googled it, and, naturally, the results I got were not quite what I was looking for. However, this makes me hate these classes even more. Of all the activities to do when bonding with my mother (cooking, camping, spa days, shopping, watching tv, etc) stripping is not one of them. I don’t even want to imagine what that might be like.

This is just creepy.

Tags: mother daughter strip classes, pole dance classes, strip dance classes

My gym is pretty rough and tumble…old (but usable) equipment (most of which I am sure was bought second hand), simple cement walls, no carpet anywhere, 2 personal trainers in the entire gym…these things give my gym the character I’ve come to love. So I was a little shocked yesterday when I noticed that some guy had a Perrier water bottle with him. NOTHING about my gym screams Perrier. The dude looked a little out of place with all the guys drinking supplement fueled drinks in overused disposable water bottles. What a sissy.

This horrible disease first came to my attention in high school where this guy, Jason, used to walk around with his legs in an odd “U” shape, and his arms flaring by his side. It is a syndrome called Imaginary Lat Syndrome, where the sufferer imagines his lats are larger than they appear.

Muscular men will try to develop large lats…these lats then prevent them from letting their arms hang naturally by their sides. They will also develop their upper legs to be so large they can’t walk without their thighs rubbing together. ILS is where the patient assumes that because he goes to the gym twice a week that he has developed this level of muscularity and therefore needs to walk like a big guy. This patient will probably layer his clothes and walk around with Gatorade talking about how tight his abs are.

The patient is generally single, with no hopes of ever being in a committed relationship. He is a loser whose last hope of gaining anyone’s respect is to get big, but he’s too much of an idiot to know how to do it properly. He will likely die a sad, lonesome death.

Tags: ILS, imaginary lat syndrome

A new fitness trend that has popped up for women recently is strip or pole dancing classes. I have all sorts of issues with these.

From a fitness standpoint, take a close look at the women teaching these classes. They have fantastic upper bodies, really muscular and defined…but skinny little legs (I hate it just as much as when men have skinny legs). Pole dancing is great for an upper body work out, but you don’t do much with your legs other than swing them around.

Aside from the ridiculousness of it from the fitness standpoint, why on earth would you want to take these sorts of classes?? From my experience, the only women who take them are women with really low self-esteem, mostly either fat or ugly women, who do it solely for the purpose of stripping for someone who has never noticed them before or for their husbands who can’t stand to look at them.

Ladies, men want strippers to strip, not their wives. If you need to take strip dance classes to get a man, you have a whole other set of issues that can’t be addressed in a one hour session with Candy from the strip joint.

Go to yoga, you’ll get a lot more out of it.

Tags: pole dance classes, strip dance classes

You know that ugly style that is out right now with the really long t-shirt that is really a dress that skinny chicks (hopefully only skinny chicks) wear over top of leggings?

I saw a chick at the gym today wearing one of those to do cardio. No wonder women don’t workout, they are too busy tripping over their dresses. Idiot.

At my gym there is a room for just women. Naturally, I avoid it like the plague, and have managed to do so for nearly a year now. However, yesterday, I was on the hunt for some 12lbs weights, and couldn’t find them in the main area, so I was drawn to the Women’s Only room. The Women’s Only room is a special place designated for women so that they don’t feel shy or embarrassed to work around the grunting sweaty men.

I always wondered why there are so few women who work out at my gym (though not really complaining). I thought, even if they are too scared to work out where the men do, they still have that private room.

What a waste of space.

I’ve been in these rooms at other gyms before, and typically, they are set up similar to the set up at a Curves and I can therefore understand its usefulness (full body circuit you don’t need to think about or understand). This space however basically told women that they are so unworthy of their own space that whatever equipment the manufacturers threw-up, they would put here. They certainly didn’t have a full circuit in there. The space itself was about the size of a shoe box. They had two different useless abs machines and a glute machine (btw-these are essentially useless). They had free weights that went from 2lbs to 12lbs, and nothing higher. This equipment is feel-good equipment. Women’s problem areas are typically the gut and the thighs, so putting abs and glute machines in here appeals to their weaknesses. However, it does nothing for them. Ladies, you CAN NOT spot reduce fat. Using this equipment will tone and strengthen these areas, however, you wont notice it until you get the fat off. To get the fat off, you need to diet, do resistance training (on your whole body) and do cardio.

You put equipment like that in a room designated for women only, and sure, they will use it, but in a month there will be no change to their bodies, and they will quit the gym entirely and go on a donut binge and end up fatter then when they started. And free weights??? No one is going to touch them without knowing what to do with them.

Now I’m pissed off at the gym.

So the women in there (3 total):

Woman #1- obese…clearly in need of training. For the entire 7 minutes I was in there, she was on the ab machine. Yes, put more muscle around your midsection

Woman #2- anorexic….clearly in need of some heavy weight training to get some shape, definition and muscle on her body. She was doing the glute machine on the lowest weight possible.

Woman #3- old…at her age, she’s probably in there just to keep her joints moving. She was doing push-ups in sets of 3. Way to set yourself for injury without benefit.

Apparently the male gym owner wants a gym full of men. Not that mind so much, but you’re keeping the female population out of shape by discouraging them from a getting a good workout.

You’ve seen these guys at your gym. They all work out together for about 66876398098 hours a day. They mostly do bench press and arm curls. Despite all the time they spend in the gym, they are not that muscular. Their conversation usually revolves around women (though you rarely hear them talk about women they actually know). They are probably too old for the women in which they are interested. They are probably divorced. They have tried to talk to every girl at the gym. You roll your eyes at them and look at others around you who do the same.

These men are at every gym, just different faces. I like to call them the “Wolves”- because they travel in packs.

Now, imagine one day, they all show up in the same color shirt. You think it could be a fluke…but wait, they are all in BRIGHT ORANGE!!! And they do it every WEDNESDAY!!!

I don’t even know what to say to that. Coordinating your  bight orange clothes with 4 other men makes you stand out, sure, but the statement you are making is that you are PATHETIC!!

Men usually build up the muscles they can see; particularly, the chest and arms. It’s not unusual at all to see a man with a huge upper body and skinny legs.

I work my legs harder than any other part of my body. One day while I was working them, some guy came to use the machine next to me.  “So useless working the legs, huh?”

My friend, there is nothing more attractive on a man than thick legs. And I can tell even though you’re wearing pants that you have chicken legs. The men with the best legs are bikers, which is why I took up biking in the first place. Also, you should note that unless you push a lot of stuff on a regular basis, your big chest muscles are pretty useless.

I do have a theory about why men don’t work their legs too often. I think they avoid it because they have small packages and think that if their legs get too big, it might make the size of their package look even smaller.

I think you can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep. There’s this guy at my gym, who I really thought might be a pretty decent guy. We started the old gym song and dance to meet someone. Starts by eye contact for a few weeks, then moves on to smiling, then the “Hi”, then the “Working your legs today I see”, and yada yada yada. We hadn’t gotten to yada yada yada yet, when I noticed he hangs out with Ape-Arms (you might also remember him from this post).

It’s not that these 2 work out together, which would be acceptable. It would tell me that this guy hangs with Ape-Arms to get some work out tips or something. But after his work out, him and Ape-Arms chill together on the bench in front of the gym. Now, I can’t help but think that this guy is just like Ape-Arms, which makes me want to roll my eyes and walk away.

Moral of the story: Don’t hang out with idiots.