In light of yesterday’s devastating Grey Cup game, I thought a football (player) story was in order.
When I first moved to Toronto, I knew no one and had no friends. When a lady I worked with told me her nephew played for the Toronto Argonaugts, and asked if I’d go see a game with her, I jumped all over the opportunity to get out of the house. I’m not a huge football fan anymore, but at the time, as a true Saskatchewanian, I followed football.
The game was uneventful, I can’t even remember who won. At the end of the game, I went down to meet the field to meet the nephew. Knowing I was new to town, he asked if I wanted to go out with the team. Hang out with a football team? FitDarcie? Of course…
That was the night I got cock-blocked by a man. I’m in a bar, late at night, with an entire football team. This was heaven on earth for me. Unfortunately, the player that I was “with” had a bunch of regular guy friends. One of these friends cornered me the entire night and wouldn’t let up. I barely even got to meet any of the other players. It was sad and depressing. At the time I needed all the friends I could get, and didn’t want to piss anyone off, so I let him keep me cornered. He cock-blocked me. He was just a regular dude with way-too curly gelled hair.
Since I didn’t get to meet my dream man, who was probably a massive line-backer, I agreed to go on a date with him. Within minutes of our date beginning, he took the gum out of his mouth and stuck it to the bottom of the table. And that was the end of it. That was all that resulted of me going out with a football team.
(note: the guy in the pic on my front page is Terrell Owens…I’ve never met him, but he’s a FitDarcie Future Husband)
Tags: football, Grey CupI love Disney movies. There. I said it. I hate that I don’t have any kids near me because when I rent cartoons on my pay per view, I have no one to blame it on. I saw a preview for the new Disney movie coming out The Princess and the Frog. I got a little excited. It reminded me of something though.
A few months back, I was on a date with a guy who said that Disney is ruining women. He was kidding, I hope, but he meant that Disney gives little girls false hope about meeting Prince Charming. He said that “happily ever after” shouldn’t be taken as literal, and that after the initial lust stage comes all the shit. When he said this, I immediately came to the defense of women, we’re not that stupid. We know about compromise, and not getting mad when they leave the toilet seat up….blah blah blah.
But when I saw the ad for The Princess and the Frog, I started thinking about how Disney movies, or fairy tales in general, are actually very beneficial to men. My top 3:
The Princess and The Frog: It may be the Princess and the Toad, but what’s the difference, the premise is the same. A beautiful, eligible, rich, independent woman kisses the ugliest animal on the planet, and POOF he turns into Prince Charming. Gentlemen, Disney is encouraging women to give ugmoes a chance. The Frog has no idea how lucky he is. If it were nowadays, and Kermit came up to me in a bar and told me to kiss him, I’d kick him in the junk.
Beauty and the Beast: My brother’s favorite growing up, so I know it by heart. What it’s saying is that beautiful lower-class women are at the mercy of fat, hairy, rich monsters. In order for the poor lower-class hot girl to get ahead in life, she has to sleep with the rude, obnoxious frightening man that she hates at first. In real life, if some ogre of a man took me hostage and I fell in love with him, it’d be called Stolkhom syndrome.
The Little Mermaid: This actually came out just when I was young enough to enjoy it, so I know it rather well too. This is where Disney tells women that it’s ok to be crazy. First, it promotes stalking a man who is out of our league, then, once that man gets another woman, we should change everything about ourselves to become a home-wrecker. If someone even suggested to me that I had to significantly alter my god-given-smoking-hot-body get the man of my dreams, I’d kick them in the junk. Do you have any idea how much plastic surgery costs these days?
I wonder how Disney will spin my life when they make a movie out of it.
A while ago I blogged about platonic relationships, and asked if it was possible for them to actually exist. On that same note, I’d like to ask the question about friends with benefits.
In my experience, there is no real friendship in these situations. There has never been a situation where two completely platonic friends were sitting around watching movies and they decided they’d just do it and would both be able to move on. I actually read somewhere that there is some sort of physical chemical reaction that occurs during sex that resembles something like love, so to assume that you can even do this is like believing in fairies.
There are really two types of FWB:
1) the booty call. This is the situation where there is no relationship to speak of, no outings that actually occur, no talk other than that of the sexual kind. There’s not a lot of respect or friendship that is passed through the participants. If it’s successful, when one person finds a new permanent mate, the booty call is ditched, and everyone moves on. If it’s not successful, one falls in love with the other, and drama ensues.
2) The ex-hook up. This situation occurs shortly after the breakup where one of the participants thinks he/she can get the other back by being a freak in the sac. Of course, this is merely a mirage in that person’s mind. What is subconsciously happening is that person thinks he/she can keep the other around longer. This is a one way street where one person, usually the one getting dumped, is still in love with the other. The dumper feels like he/she is doing the dumpee a favour by lessening the blow and is typically denying to him/herself that they are really just prolonging the inevitable heart break. For anyone who is debating this and thinks they have experience where an ex has turned into a FWB, really ask yourself if that’s true. Do you honestly believe that the other person didn’t still harbor some feelings for you? And maybe secretly this made you feel good?
Yesterday I blogged about my last rebound relationship. The rebound, Steve, was probably my first experience dealing with a real douchenozzle. After he’d dumped me that fateful night in my Chevette, my friends, one-by-one told me that they were glad we’d broken up because the guy was a douchenozzle. While I don’t fault my friends for my decisions, I wondered why none of them spoke up while I was dating him.
Fast-forward to today. I abhor when my friends try to jump in and give me advice on my love life. I hate it so much, that those who put their noses into my love life never hear about it. If they ask me “how is Construction Worker” I tell them there is no change (then secretly wish horrible things onto them for not reading my blog in the first place). I can’t get into nitty-grittys with them. I’m 31 years old, have dated 2.9MM men, you think I don’t what’s best for me?
I have maybe 3 friends that I feel I can tell everything to. I was thinking about them and what makes me feel comfortable telling them about my dignity-losing antics, while the others are left to read about my awesomeness on FitDarcie. I think it boils down to this: I never ask for advice, yet always seem to get it. I am a great story teller. I LOVE talking about my life and having people comment on it, but I hate it when people tell me what my next course of action should be.
Or worse, I’ll bite the head off of someone who hears a hilarious story from me, then tells me to “hang in there” or asks if I’m ok.
If I manage to answer the “Are you ok” question politely, and it’s followed up with “are you sure”…you’d better be wearing armor under your clothes cause you’re gonna get the smackdown.
That being said, I suppose I can see why my pals might be afraid to tell me what they think of the men in my life. If I end up engaged to a douchenozzle, which I doubt is possible, then maybe some constructive, unsolicited advice might be in order. But come on, telling me I need to drop the Construction Worker? Really? Are you concerned I’m sitting around waiting for him to pop the question?
A girl friend of mine is always saying the best way to get over a man is to get under another. It’s been many, many years since I’ve had a rebound. The last guy that I rebounded from was the moron I lived with. I immediately…like that night…started dating another guy. Steve. Real name. We didn’t just start dating that night, we were in a relationship that night. Within a week I was going to his aunt and uncle’s anniversary party and watching movies with his parents. He was coming over to my place after work without showering…full-on relationship.
Sometimes, a rebound is a wonderful thing. They aren’t meant to be long term or meaningful. They are just supposed to bridge the gap between the route you thought your life was on and the route your life really is on.
He dumped me a month later in a mall parking lot sitting in my Chevette. I bawled my eyes out for 3 days. I specifically remember the alcohol infested night that I spent crying to his friends about it. (Yes, HIS friends). I worked in a shoe store at the time, and I remember the horrible empty feeling of a relationship ending lasting for at least a week. All over a 1 month relationship.
If we wanted to delve deeper into this, we would probably assume that the reason I was so upset over that break-up, was really because I was mourning the break-up of a 2-year live-in relationship. But it seemed so much easier to cry over the rebound than the moron.
That being said, after my last boyfriend dumped me, I chose to not date anyone for 3 months to avoid emotionally latching on to some poor unsuspecting sap and have been single for 4 years.
I hate it when people talk to me at the gym. I don’t go to one of those chain gyms trying to come off as a social club. Mine is one of those 24 hour gyms where the dank is part of the allure. There are very few women who work out there, likely because they are intimidated by the place. What I’m getting at, is that it’s not exactly the kind of place that you meet people.
Of course, this doesn’t stop the men from approaching someone. I rarely get approached on a Monday during rush hour, Sunday nights, when there are so few people around to hear a guy get shot down, is when they choose to make their move. I don’t think I have any approachable characteristics about me. I go to the gym, head down, work out hard, leave. I don’t smile, I don’t look around, I don’t drink from the fountain. I don’t understand why the #1 thing guys say to me when they approach me is that I seem like a really nice person. It’s not what I am trying to pull off at all.
I can’t remember if I’ve ever written about this guy before, but I call him Wayne because he reminds me of a guy I know named Wayne. I never asked this guy what his name is. He approached me a few months ago, and now he forces me to sit through awkward small talk at least once a week. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s actually really nice and friendly. I just have no interest in him. I don’t even know if he’s hitting on me when he talks to me, but I just don’t want to talk to him. I have no clue how to get this guy to figure it out.
Tags: at the gym, meeting people at the gymI was out with some friends last night and the subject of the number came up. By number I mean the number of people someone has slept with. The question was, what’s a good number? I’m pretty sure asking this question to a partner went out of style right around the time I applied for University, but I wonder if I would tell the truth or lie if someone asked me this questions. The answer is probably relative, but I want to present 2 scenarios to you.
1) You’ve been with someone for a few years and you love that person. You guys are about to get married. You’ve always thought that you had a pretty good guess of what your fiance’s number is, but very shortly before the wedding, you find out that the number is astronomically higher than you expected. I doubt anyone is going to say that they would call off the wedding, but does this change the way you perceive your fiance? Does it make any difference at all?
2) You’re at a bar and you’re chatting someone up all night. You guys are really hitting it off. You know for a fact that you are NOT going to be doing it that night. There is the possibility that you could go out with that person again, and it could be a quick lay, or it could go into a meaningful relationship. Then you find out that they have slept with 100 more people that you have. Does your opinion of that person change? Do you automatically decide that you will not enter into a relationship with that person, but rather you would try to get some sex, then bolt?
One of the guys I was matched with at speed dating contacted me and said the words I love to hear “Nice to meet you. Want to get together? How’s Monday?” As you know from my experience with Mustang, I appreciate the direct method of asking out (note: I am also e-mail chatting with a guy from that night who feels our next step would be to talk on the phone. At this rate, we’ll be dating in 2 months. Just ask me out mother fucker). So, naturally, I said yes.
Our first date was fine. He was better looking than I remembered, polite, smart. Then WHAMO! 3 kids and 2 ex wives. The kids I can handle. But TWO exes before you’re 40? That’s a dude with some serious issues. Though he had a good job, you gotta figure he’s broke supporting all of that.
I think I wanted to appear open-minded, so I agreed to a second date. I pretty much regretted it immediately. 2 exes. But whatever, you never know.
The second date was bad. Early on in the evening, we were talking about social media, and he made fun of people with blogs. I grinned and asked if that meant he didn’t google me. He looked at me like I was an alien and asked if I had googled him. Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t google dates these days? I google everyone the second I find out their last name.
But back it up. He made fun of people who blog. Though I realize my blog is probably the first thing I will have to give up when I enter into a relationship, I’m desperately hoping to find someone who at least gets it. He said something about how it was wrong for anyone to think their life is that interesting. Clearly, he did not google me. My life is amazing.
After that conversation, he was on his 5th beer, I was on my first. It had only been ½ an hour. Sweet. He’s Mr Baggage and an alcoholic. Right up my alley. At some point, I made fun of a cousin of mine who is atheist. He pounced on this, and I spent the next hour and half listening to why organized religion is shits and being atheist rocks. It was a very one sided conversation. I think I went up to use the bathroom at one point and he didn’t notice I’d left.
I did my best to steer the conversation to other subjects, but it was fruitless. I may have led him to believe that I thought pre-marital sex was not kosher. I meant it as a joke, but he had no sense of humour.
So the end of night: we had both taken the subway- for him, it was responsible considering how loaded he planned on getting. For me it was for convenience. The parting was uneventful. I spent the next 20 minutes of my ride trying to decide if I was the type of person to keep a guy in my phone for the purposes of a booty call. He was good looking after all. Of course, I’d have to worry about the possibility of him passing out on me or speaking.
So I get off the subway and immediately get a text message “Hey Darcie. It was great getting to know you. I think it’s best we just be friends. Good luck in your search.”
HE dumped ME. I got dumped by an alcoholic atheist blog-hater with 2 ex wives. Excuse me while I got into seclusion. Clearly, I am not meant to be part of society.
A result of the speed dating event the other night, I ended up with a few dates. This weekend, I went out with one of them. When he initially contacted me, I couldn’t remember which one he was, which made our e-mail conversations rather interesting. I had suspected he was the old guy because in his e-mail to me, he asked if I had ever been married or had kids. No one has ever asked me that before. In all honesty, the only reason I checked “yes” to him was because that Teacher Bitch had made mention of him.
I was dreading this date. I can sit through bad dates…I’ve had a lot of practice. But I just wasn’t sure that I could sit through a bad date with a guy closer to my dad’s age than mine. I braved the night out. When I find myself in these situations, I just pretend they are work associates. I can hang out with an old guy if it’s work related.
I walk in, and the dude is sporting a haircut that went out of style in the 80’s, a shirt that went out of style in the early 90’s and about 1/2 a bottle of cologne. Seriously, I think he bathed in it. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else the entire date. He was also from the burbs. Being older than me is one thing, but from the burbs is something completely different.
I’ll admit the conversation wasn’t horrible, I tried to keep it in a neutral zone and told him about life growing up on a farm. He was making rather desperate attempts to find out my age. Asking me what decade I considered childhood, etc. I thought it was fun to avoid his questions.
He asked my why I had never been divorced or why I didn’t have kids. I’m used to this type of questioning, but the way he put it, he made it seem like a bad thing. “So, you have no baggage then?”. I thought that was a good thing.
I always thought I looked younger than my age, but I’m pretty sure this guy thought I was older. When I hit him the fact that my 31st birthday is coming up, he just about spit out his beer, then excused himself to use the washroom. When he came back up, he asked me flat out if I saw “this” going anywhere. I stressed the different stages we were at in our life, what I meant to say was that his grown daughter and I probably have more in common. So I paid my half of the bill and left.
I seriously had to wash my sheets the next morning. The smell of his cologne transferred onto me then onto my sheets and was giving me a headache.
