This is, by far, the best YouTube video ever.
This is not a Future Husband post.These are not in order. They are simply in the order in which they came to mind. So maybe that’s reverse order. I couldn’t make it to 10.
#8- Tiger Woods’ Wife
I just want to know the story. I think she’d tell me. People open up to me.
#7- Eddie Vedder
One of my favorite singers. I bet we’d stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking. He’d ask me tons of questions about myself, then write a song about me.
#6- Jennifer Aniston
She’s always been one of my favorite actresses. She just seems really nice, in that mega-rich kind of way. We probably wouldn’t have beer though…we’d probably go for a walk or do some yoga. She seems really into the fitness. And she’s funny. It’s hard for a woman to be funny. We’d be besties.
#5- Nikki Sixx
Not just because he’s a Future Husband of mine. I’ve stalked him for a while now, and he’s actually a really smart guy (besides the heroin). He’d probably tell me stuff that would blow my mind. And then we probably would get married, so win-win.
#4- Seth Rogan- 5 years ago
Remember when he was in The 40 Year Old Virgin, and he just played a regular guy? I loved him then. When he started taking on more lead roles, and they just sucked. But he seems like he might have some intelligent humor in him.
#3- David Bowie
We’d talk about the 80’s all night.
#2- Johnny Depp
Yes, another future husband, but that’s not really the point. He seems perfectly deranged and fucked up. Probably has ADD, so we wouldn’t have to stay on a dead topic for too long. We’d talk about the 90’s all night. And then we probably would get married.
#1- Marilyn Manson
Come on. Like you wouldn’t want to know what exactly is going on in that brain of his?
Playing by the rules has always dictated that date 3 is the date to give it up.I’ve got some issues with this.
First of all, Date #3 is no longer what it used to be. Men have gotten cheaper, time has gotten tighter. Dates used to be all about dinner and a movie. Now, they include a rushed lunch, dutch drinks or, if you’re lucky, appetizers after work. The idea of a nice dinner then talking over wine until the wee hours of the morning has all but disappeared. This means that by Date #3 I haven’t even had a meal bought for me yet.
This makes us women want to push back the Date on which we give ourselves to you physically. I know some of you retarded men think that this doesn’t bother us. You are incorrect. We have biological needs as you do…but we have a lot more to lose if we give it up too quickly. We’re in this for the eventual relationship, not the quick one-night-stand. Society still hasn’t been able to reconcile women who give it up too soon with women who want relationships. So by giving you your all-the-way, we’re sacrificing our all-the-way. And, quite frankly, no one is happy about this.
So, gentlemen, what I ask is that you go back to buying us dinner.
Date #1, Drinks
Date #2, Dinner
Date #3, Movies at my place
All that being said…I haven’t had even a second date in ages. The third date is a foreign concept to me.
I’ve been to several parties over the last month. I’m talking about parties here…not nights out with a few ladies. I’m talking about groups of people who get together, some who know each other, and some who do not. This is the perfect mingling situation. No one at a party wants to stand by themselves at the bar, and since we all have at least one mutual friend (the host), we have an easy opening line. The perfect opportunity to meet several new people over the span of a few hours.
At these parties, I’ve met several guys to whom I was attracted, and to whom I’ve given my number. Gentlemen, when you get a ladies number, what is the purpose of continuing to speak to them? Why must you hang out with them for the rest of the night?
This is something that drives me nuts.
1) I’m usually consuming alcohol at these parties, which means my ability to say hilarious and witty things is altered. I have to start trying to come up with things to shout over loud music. Uncomfortable.
2) Secondly, the guy, though sometimes good looking, is not always the best looking guy at the party. So while I’m trapped in bad first date conversation, I can usually see a better looking guy somewhere else, randomly bump into some other chick and start a conversation. That could have been me.
3) After I’ve given a guy my number, what more is there to do? All they’re doing is giving me more reasons not to answer when he does call. He could have been able to say “I went on a date with FitDarcie”, now all he can say is “I got FitDarcie’s number, but she never returned my call.”
4) I probably have other friends there, who apparently make bad wing-women. Instead of being with them catching up on the latest gossip, or playing kill-fuck-marry, I’m stuck talking to some bozo to whom I’m becoming less and less attracted to.
Really, people, after they’ve gotten the number, what on earth is the purpose of sticking around?
This is a different kind of nemesis than those I’ve spoken of before, who usually have great bodies, big boobs and blonde hair. This woman has been going to the gym at least since I started there over 2 years ago. She’s definately bigger than me; I’m assuming it’s all muscle, but I would never know because she wears these massive sweat shirts all the time.
Initially, I’d see her only in passing. I’d be coming in as she was going out. A few months ago, she started working out later. There were a few times where she’d be near a bench on a busy day, and I ask her if anyone was using it. She responded with a stare that would make Satan turn red in the face. I have since been deathly afraid of her. I’ve still yet to hear her voice.
One of the guys at the gym with whom I am friendly has been trying to get to me to join a martial arts class. I hate pretty much anything about martial arts. I’d rather go to a Star Trek convention than sit in a room with adults who do martial arts. The Trekies would be cooler. So, I’ve been declining his requests. Primarily though, the reason I refuse to take this particular class, is because Satan Woman is in it. With my luck, I’d get paired with her, and end up dead.
I’m pretty sure she has a thing for the martial arts guy, and doesn’t appreciate him speaking to me. That’s the only conceivable reason I can find for her hating me so much.
The other day, things just got creepy. We were at the gym at the same time, and were leaving around the same time. I was in the changeroom washing my hands. The sinks are perpendicular to the showers, so when I look up into the mirror, I can see the row of showers off to the side. When I looked up, Satan Woman had her head poked out of the shower stall and was giving me her look of death.
Now I think I might have to take some form of martial arts to defend myself. Or maybe get some pepper spray to scratch out those devil eyes.
I had started writing a nasty comment back to ZR and JR to my post the other day about how some guy at some party said I don’t smile. ZR and JR both said that I should smile more. JR…really??? At least ZR has seen me before, but you’re taking the side of the guy who called me bitter…I smile when it’s appropriate…when I’m either happy, or someone makes me laugh. I see no need whatsoever to smile when I don’t feel it. Trust me, I am well aware of the effects my smile has on a room. I have an amazing smile. It lights up my face and gives me a warm look. And I am happy a lot of the time, so I do pull it out frequently.
I decided to go through my Facebook and come up with photos of me from parties past to prove it. I am a happy drunk.
1) Comparing arms. This photo was also featured in a post I did about how I was losing my place in society.
Laughing hysterically at Darren Rowse from Problogger. He must have said something amazing.
With bestie Franca. She’s going to kill me for posting this.
Some guy in a bar making a move on me. Still smiling, though kinda looking grossed out.
Catching a bouquet at a wedding. A lot of good that did me.
With my bro at my sis’ wedding.
Riders winning the Grey Cup. Woo hoo! Like my green eye shadow?
Laying on a blue mannequin in a suitcase in a restaurant in Vegas. Stilllll smiling.
With my arms around a pair of twins.
Telling all you assholes that I need to smile more to fuck off.
Moral of the story? You want me to smile…say something that makes me. It can’t be hard, a mannequin in a suitcase did it.
Tags: darcieI’m probably a little late of out the gate with this one, but I meant to write it for some time. For those non-Torontonians, let me give you some background on what is shaping up to be American-style political drama.
We have elections coming up in the City of Toronto, and one of the mayoral candidates recently dropped out of the race because of a sex scandal. The guy is 32 years old and chair of the city transit. I really liked the guy when he first dropped himself into the race. Mostly just because he did a Youtube video and because he’s in my age group. Then some college woman came forward and claimed to have had a relationship with him. The short of it is, he threw a party to announce his entrance to the mayoral race, introduced his nerdy-political-looking live-in girlfriend, his college girlfriend found out, he said the political-nerd was just for show, the college girlfriend went to the press, he admitted to having “several” indiscretions over the past year, and dropped out of the race (my fave part was when he stormed off the stage during his announcement to end his campaign because he lost the second page of his speech. Idiot).
I have so many opinions on this, some contradictory. I don’t know if I feel more sorry for the college girl, the political woman or even Adam Giambrone. One the one hand, I think the college girl took it a little too far…I mean, the photos the newspapers used were professional shots, and she later admitted to aspirations of becoming an actress…perhaps she used Giambrone to get a bit of fame? But if I was in her position, and in love with someone who appeared in the paper with another woman, I might react the same way. Then there’s the live-in girlfriend…how much of this did she know about? Giambrone kinda positioned her (according to the college actress) as a prop. Then there’s Giambrone himself. Not enough people care about municipal politics, and bringing this kind of drama makes it interesting, and makes people pay attention, so we kinda owe him something.
Now, I don’t condone cheating in any way, by anyone. I think it’s disgusting and should not be tolerated. But, I think that history has shown there are several professions in which cheating is predominant, and I think that people who get involved with men in these careers would mostly accept the cheating ways. Such as:
1) Professional athletes. Somewhere in the prenup, there’s a clause about how many women the dude is allowed to be with. Speaking of…whatever happened to Tiger Woods?
2) Politicians. We always knew that country leaders did this sort of stuff, so for it to trickle down to Toronto’s municipal level shouldn’t surprise us.
3) Rockstars. I’ve read a lot of biographies on a lot of different rockstars, and it is my opinion that the majority of these guys become famous partly for the women. So let’s not be surprised when they cheat on each other. Except Nikki Sixx. He wont cheat on me. In this same category, I’d have to add roadies. They’re pretty much wannabe rockstars, and they do it SOLELY for the love of getting laid.
4) Investment Bankers. While not at all in the public spotlight, investment bankers are just nasty. They make me cringe. My theory is that they all lack self-confidence in what they do, so they make up for it by sleeping around.
5) Bartenders. The scary thing about bartenders, is they always take the last person in the bar home. It doesn’t matter who it is. Which I always thought sucked because I’d get along well with a bartender.
So basically, what I’m saying is, no one should be surprised that a successful 32 year old male entering politics is promiscuous. It didn’t quite work out for him, but still, shouldn’t be shocking.
Tags: adam giambrone, cheatingIt’s official. I am bitter. I honestly never thought it would happen to me. Most of my friends are older than me, and I sometimes see bitterness creep up on them, but I always thought I was stronger than that and I would never become bitter. Then, a complete stranger called me out on it.
I was at a party on Sunday night, and I had a brief encounter with a guy. I pretty much met him, and moved on. I didn’t like him. He seemed eager to get laid, and would have done it with anything that moved. I have no time for that. Then, yesterday morning, I got this note via Facebook:
You seemed like someone I could have had an interesting conversation with. You exuded the right mix of bitchiness, bitterness and boredom which made me think that you are either very intelligent or you did not want to be there last night to begin with :) Maybe both. Either way, I think I have to learn a few attention grabbing tricks from the swedish guy. Who are you?
A complete stranger called me bitter. And he barely met me. I didn’t realize bitterness was a physical trait. (side note, there was a Swedish guy who had my attention most of the night. He had most people’s attention. He was wearing a red suit).
So quick, tell me how to un-bitter myself?
A warning to my friends, I’ve decided this year to pay attention to the Olympics. Now in Day 2, I’ve officially got Olympic fever. I don’t think I’ve watched an Olympic sport since they were in Calgary in 1988 and I had to do a class project on them. But this year, because they are in Canada, and my mom and sisters are going to some of the events, I decided to get into it…and not just the hockey like some of my fellow Canadians.
Some of my friends and I decided to have an opening-ceremonies get together, and I spent a good portion of the time scanning the crowd in hopes that I would see my mom. But, since most of my readers are non-Canadians, I really feel I need to clarify a few things. A friend of mine from Ohio said the coverage he is getting of the Olympics is that of strange customs and outfits worn by Canadians. This is not true.
1) Our police are the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. My brother in law is one of them. And I can assure you, those little red outfits you see them wearing are purely ceremonial. They do not do policing in those things.
2) The aboriginal people of Canada don’t typically walk around in those outfits. I know that there is a huge aboriginal presence around the Olympics this year, but we do not have massive pow-wows in the middle of the street on a daily basis.
3) You need to remember that the camera crews are stationed in the heart of the Olympic action. Seeing people walking around in snow-pants and ski-helmets is not a normal occurance. Vancouver is like 2 hours from Seattle…what exactly do you think happens when you cross the border? I’ve done that trip before, and I gotta tell ya…nothing’s different.
4) Wayne Gretzky doesn’t ride around Vancouver carrying a torch under normal circumstances. I think he actually lives in LA. Please don’t come up here and expect that among our country’s 34 million people, you will run into him.
Also, I do want to point out that in my 1.5 days of doing nothing but watch the Olympic coverage, I have not once seen an igloo. I’m hoping that my less-educated readers take that as a sign that we DO NOT live in igloos up here. None of us. I have personally never been in anything more fancy than a snow fort created to fend off the evil attacks of my cousins.
I know that it seems more likely for me write an anti-valentines day post, especially with my early-thirties-onset of bitterness (I seriously thought it wouldn’t hit until my 40’s). But I actually LOVE valentines day. I love everything about it. I love the commercialization of the whole thing. I love hearing people bitch about it, I love seeing women act like princesses when their boyfriends don’t give them what they want, I love the cheap chocolate at the drug store the week after. Yes, despite the fact that I haven’t had a Valentines Day date in 8 years, I love it.
I figured, in an effort to slap me out of my bitterness, a wise thing to do would be to name the things about men and the peculiarities of the Y chromosome that I love:
1) Men are easy to get along with. Women require so much work.
2) Men are way more fun. I’ve been trying to reduce the amount of time I spend with men who will never be my future husband and focus more on nurturing my female relationships over the last little while. So, I’ve basically been not going out. Just writing that out tells me I need to change that.
3) Male bodies. I don’t think I need to elaborate more on that.
4) Men treat me like a woman. When I go out with gal pals, none of them walk me home, pay for my drinks or put me in a cab. I can go out with a completely monogamous male friend, and he’ll do all three. I know a guy, who opens the door for me every single time I get in his car. Every time. I’ve known him for 5 years, and every time we go out, he opens the door.
5) Men call me on my shit. I think women are mostly afraid to tell other women what they really think (see #1). But men have a way of letting me have it, then laughing it off. If a woman tried that though, I’d probably punch her.
6) I look way less awkward in a nice restaurant with a man than with a woman…as far as I remember anyway.
7) Men, more often than women, comment on my blog. And that is what I love the most.
8) They know stuff about TV’s. I plan on purchasing a new TV in the near future, and I plan on getting TV advice from men.
So there you have it. I love men. I love you all. Happy Valentines Day! In case you were wondering what my plans were, the same as every year, kung fu movies, Doritos, red wine and a fuzzy heart shaped box of chocolates.
