The hottest journalist at the Toronto Star, Rob Cribb, gave me some column-love.

It’ll be in the print version tomorrow. Buy it.

http://www.thestar.com/article/842431–three-beguiling-women-talk-dating

Online dating is extremely superficial. I will only read a profile if the photo impresses me. Considering men are visual creatures, I am shocked that they don’t understand the value of having great photos. Women are also known for reading into things. We like to look at photos and come up with stories behind them that will give us insight into who the person is. When creating my online profile, I spent at least 3 times the amount of time choosing my photos than I did writing about myself. I chose my photos based on what I look like in most social settings (read: how I am going to look on the date), so I get a little discouraged when men don’t do the same thing.

Some of my pet peeves in the profile picture:
1) A photo that has been scanned in. This tells me that it’s more than 5 years old- before the era of digital photography, and not a good representation of how they look today. It also likely implies that they look worse now than they did then. I’ve seen some scans of passport or drivers license photos. Come on.

2) Photos of men without shirts. I don’t care how hot the body is, this is just not acceptable. We’re not blind, we can generally tell what kind of body a man has when his shirt is on, so taking it off only tells us that they are self-absorbed. And, in my experience, only 5% of men who have photos of themselves without shirts on actually have a body that warrants it.

3) Photos of large groups of people. I don’t understand the purpose of showing off all your friends. I don’t care who you hang out with at this point, I want to know more about you. And photos where a man is surrounded by a bunch of scantily clad, beautiful women are a huge red flag.

4) Wedding photos of any kind. I don’t care what a man looks like in a tux. The chances of me seeing a man in a tux even once in his life are slim, so, completely pointless. On the same note, unless he’s an investment banker and wears suits every day of his life, he probably don’t look good in a suit because he doesn’t have experience wearing it, or choosing it. And it shows. Teachers who wear suits always look like kids trying to play dress up. Don’t bother. From my experience…investment bankers don’t even put up photos of themselves in suits. (There are a lot of investment bankers on eHarmony.)

5) Photos of men drinking. If I’m looking at these photos and trying to decide what kind of person he is, and he’s holding a mixed drink in every photo, I am going to assume he’s a partier, and not someone who wants to settle down. I had a photo of a guy riding a bed like a cowboy riding a horse…cowboy hat and everything…with a caption that read “I was so hammered I don’t remember this photo being taken”. He also had a photo of himself and his kid. I judged him not only on his party lifestyle, but also assumed he was a bad father.

6) Photos of men doing stuff. I get that they’re trying to show off their interests…but that’s what the write-up is for. I don’t care how a man looks when he’s running a marathon or mountain biking. I want to know what he’s going to look like when we’re sitting at a swanky lounge having a glass of red wine. We’re not going to run marathons together on our first date. And you wouldn’t believe how many men there are who show off photos of themselves catching big fish. I can’t see how any woman would swoon over that.

7) Photos with a woman cropped out. Come on. Really? You think we can’t tell there’s a lock of blonde hair falling onto your shoulder? We immediately assume she’s an ex.

In my experience, men look better in person than they do in their photos. Always. When I’m looking through photos, I look for style. For example, I can’t see myself ever dating a guy who wears golf shirts. I consider myself a downtown girl, and look for men who will suit that lifestyle- so men that can properly coordinate their outfits is a huge deal for me.

Your matches are waiting for you—eHarmony

The other day a reader was asking about eHarmony. I figured since I’ve got another 2 months left on my membership, I should explain how it works.

It’s not like other dating sites where you create a profile, then scroll through hundreds of profiles based on certain characteristics. You fill out their questionnaires. It takes a good 30 minutes to do it, but it’s not hard. You answer questions about your personality and how you view yourself. They also ask you how important certain things are- like how much you value a person’s physical appearance. There’s a few open questions, like “What’s your passion”, but for the most part, you pick from a list.

Every day, they send you “matches” so basically, based on what you told them about yourself, they match you with someone their computer thinks matches you. So far, I’ve been getting 7 a day. Initially, they really seemed to be matching quite closely, and I understand what the system was matching us on. They all had indicated they were very active, they were mostly professionals, etc. Now I mostly get Asians from the suburbs. I guess they only had a handful of real matches.

The communication isn’t just straight up messaging each other either. You can go straight to messages, but I hate that. I like to criticize people based on their selections of questions. So, I get the profile, like the photo, read the profile, then decide to communicate. These are the steps that happen from there:

Step 1: “Get to know you” In this stage, you select from a list of prewritten multiple choice questions. This is a pretty warm-and-fuzzy stage, with questions like ‘What are you most likely to do on a day off?’ or ‘What’s your idea of adventure?’. There are some really dumb questions on there that help to week out the crazies with too much baggage. For example, one question asks what your views are on premarital sex.

I got some questions from a guy that I thought was a complete nut. In all his photos, he was drinking pretty heavily. He asked the dumbest questions. One asked how jealous of a person I am. Wanting to test to see how analytical men were of these questions, I told him not overly abusive, but quite jealous. He also asked how often I loose my temper. I said at least once a day. He also asked how physically affectionate I was. I said not at all. He apparently likes women who are hot-tempered jealous prudes cause he requested the next level of communication. Idiot.

On the same note, the majority of men ask the question about how physically affectionate I am. The answers to select from insinuate that it’s just asking whether or not you’re into hugs, but what a dumb question. Men are so predictable.

From there, if your match answers your questions, then they send you their questions to ask. Once those are answered you go to Step 2- Must Haves and Can’t Stands. Easily, this is the most pointless of all the steps. They give you a list of good things that every human wants, and a list of bad things that no one wants. You select half a dozen and send them off. You learn nothing from this about the other person. There’s no way to weed out the losers. And again, you need to respond to each others before moving on to the next stage.

Stage 3: Learn More About Him This is where you ask short answer questions. You can create your own, or select from a list. This is my favorite part because I’m excellent at writing about myself. I think the dumbest one I had, was from a guy who asked why I chose to communicate with him. How are you supposed to answer that? The answer really was that I’m on eHarmony so I can go on lots of dates this summer, and the day I got his match, he was the best one, but I couldn’t say that, so I just didn’t bother responding. I figured he was probably looking for someone to tell him about how amazing he looks while running a marathon in his spandex (his profile picture- can we please talk about how men should never wear spandex?)

Once you answer each others questions, you move on to e-mail and start planning out your lives. I try to keep the e-mails down to 4 back-and-forths before I decide they’re too sissy to ask me out on a date. After we get through the general resume, why do we need to keep e-mailing?

The beauty of online dating is how disposable the matches are. In real life, regardless of how much of a loser a guy is, you still feel bad when you’re ignoring them. I ignore 7 men a day online and don’t feel guilty about it at all.

Your matches are waiting for you—eHarmony

We’ve all heard the male/female stereotypes before…men are aloof and forgetful and women are catty and manipulative. I can somewhat see how those stereotypes got started, and enjoy a good joke or two about them. But a trend I’ve been noticing lately is that men hide behind their stereotype.

This past weekend, I was supposed to meet a male friend for brunch. I woke up earlier than I normally do on a weekend, and got ready. Men don’t appreciate the “getting ready” routine for women. It takes me an hour to become presentable in public. Blow drying my hair alone takes 20 minutes. So it’s not a non-event if I get up early to meet someone.

And then I didn’t hear from him.

At 1, when I finally heard from him, his excuse? “Men are just like that.” And I’m expected to accept it.

This is just the most recent example of this. I hear this excuse from men all the time. It’s so irritating. Now, let’s turn the tables. Let’s say I’m pissed off at the same friend. To get back at him, I call his girlfriend and tell her that I am pregnant with his child. Can I just say “Women are just like that?”

I’ve been steadily comparing my 2 eHarmony dates over the last week (more scheduled for this week- stay tuned). The first one was a great date, the second was a good guy. By good date, I mean that the location was perfect, he wore the right clothes and acted in the most gentlemanly and chivalrous way. By good guy, I mean that he was down-to-earth, liked my stories and seemed just plain old nice.

I’m wondering if it’s possible to have both in the same guy?

I was watching Mad Men last night, and Don Draper took some girl out on a date, and he was the perfect date. But the guy is an asshole (yes, I realize he his fictional). This got me to thinking about what it is that makes a guy know how to have a great date.

I’m not sure if it’s upbringing…I’m not a parent, but I don’t believe children are forced to hear lectures on how to treat someone on the first date these days. So that leaves experience. Does a man who is great at dates date a lot? Is it because he’s a great salesman, and has been groomed to act as though he knows how to treat a lady?

This is all relevant because in my weekend freak out about how afraid of commitment I am, I was discussing with a friend the importance of  being treated like a lady. One of the best things about my life is that I do get to date a lot, and I love going to nice restaurants, having my jacket taken from me, my chair pulled out for me…all that stuff. One guy I whom I’ve known for over 5 years STILL opens the car door for me every time we go out. I love that shit. In describing to my friend how I envision my life over the next 10 years, I explained that I hoped for Saturday nights out trying new restaurants in heels and black dresses. Are there good, down-to-earth men that will laugh at my stories AND put their jackets over puddles so I don’t ruin my shoes? Does the hybrid of Don Draper and The Guy Next Door exist?

Your matches are waiting for you—eHarmony

As those of you who so graciously follow my comments know, I had a date with a second eharmony.com bachelor on Tuesday night. He was pretty great. He was smart, good looking, works out regularly, eats meat, loved my stories…the 2 and a half hours flew by, and I didn’t even need to get drunk. Win-win, most would say.

There’s a secret women share that I’m not sure most men know about…immediately after meeting a guy, we size them up for their potential husbandness. We imagine how they would react when meeting our parents, friends and colleagues; what it would be like to go grocery shopping with them on a Saturday morning; how they would do on a camping trip…We don’t think of getting married to them immediately, we just wont date a guy we don’t think would fit.

This is our massive flaw.

Back to Tuesday. I come home after having a good time with eharmony.com Bachelor #2, and I start to see these images in my head of what it would be like to date him. His massive downfall? He’s a 905er. For my non-GTA readers, 905 is the area code for the suburbs. Us 416ers despise 905ers. It’s not because we’re snobs and think we’re better than everyone else, they just have a very different lifestyle that I don’t think I’m cut out for. So, when I’m imagining my life with this new man, I imagine living in this massive empty home in the ‘burbs, having been forced to give up my job and rent hotel rooms downtown every time I want to visit my friends. I’d rather date a small-town boy than a 905er.

And I became afraid.

Then he asked me out on a second date, asked me if there were any good restaurants a Toronto mall that’s just off the highway. And that’s when I lost my marbles. I think I had a small panic attack. I’m envisioning getting dressed up in Dress Barn specials on my birthday night and heading out to the Pickle Barrel for celebrations. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Logically speaking, I know that this is just a second date, and in no way will define my future. But I started to realize what I would have to give up in a relationship. I live such a free life right now. I do what I want, when I want. This includes talking to exes on a regular basis, having dinner with men I know are just wrong for me, drunk texting men that I’ve dumped, and and making out with a random guy at the bar on a Tuesday.

This has happened to me before. A while back, I did this post. What I’m going through right now, as we’re nearing our second date, is exactly what I felt back then. Pressure. Like I need to perform.

I have been single for almost 5 years now, and I like this life. I only make my bed 3 times a week. How can I give that up?

Jason, you asked in a comment the other day what it was that I was doing wrong?? I am subconsciously not committing. I think that’s what I want, but, perhaps, I don’t at all. When I think about the men I’ve dated in the past 5 years, barely any of them have made it to date #2. The ones that have were so obviously not available. I’ve made it this far in life alone, cougardom is just around the corner, why stop now?

Join eHarmony—Love Begins Here!

I was out with a girl friend of mine earlier this week who has had some bad luck in the past year and half with men (haven’t we all). This friend, Christine, has dated a lot, and gotten rather close with a few of the men she’s dated,  but hasn’t slept with them. It’s not for lack of trying. She’s been to the point of not having clothes on with 3 men, all of whom have turned her down.

Christine is a really attractive woman. She’s fun, smart and outgoing, yet can’t seem to get laid. All 3 situations were different. Two of them she dated for several months and one she took home from a bar. While she was getting nowhere with the two she was dating, her friends encouraged her that the men were being courteous to her by not sleeping with her, and just trying to show how much they respected her. When she decided enough was enough and tried to seduce them, the nights with both men ended in a break-up. Fascinating.

When she decided she needed to break her bad-luck streak, she went to a bar to grab the next available man. She chose a strapping young lad and brought him back to her place. She said that things were going the way she intended them to, when he suddenly stopped and said he just wanted to sleep.

This is straight up rule-breaking.

In what day and age can’t an attractive woman go to a bar and get a guy? That’s OUR choice, it always has been, and always should be. Once you guys start making those decisions for us, we lose so much power. One of my friends always says that women always have the most to loose in a relationship. We get emotionally tied up sooner, and the repercussions on our reputation are more grave when ‘that home video’ gets on the internet. Making the decision on when to have sex the first time is sometimes all we have.

Rules suck…playing by them sucks…but society has created them, and we need to stick to them. Christine now questions herself and fears she might start becoming one of those girls who has sex with random men convincing herself that she’s doing it because she’s powerful, and not because she’s got low self-esteem.

As you all know, I’m on eHarmony again. I am having much better luck than I did the first time, with a few dates set up for this week. After writing what I think is one of my best posts ever last week on divorced people, I realized how often I get asked if I’ve ever been married. 10 years ago, no one ever asked me that question. Now, it’s a first-date default question. I’m under the impression that most of the men on Join eHarmony—Love Begins Here! are divorced, and therefore they ask me about my marital status within the first e-mail. The abundance of divorced men has made me feel like an outsider…especially when I tell them I’m baggage free.

Here’s my question though…is it possible that my lack of committed relationships in the past 4 years is baggage itself? Do men think of that? Do they wonder why I haven’t been able to find a boyfriend for so long?

Join eHarmony—Love Begins Here!

Wednesday night I embarked on my first eHarmony date. Online dating is so weird. It seems so superficial. Essentially, it’s like going out on a blind date, except that you don’t have the middle man to be accountable to. Basically, there are no rules. This all dawned on me midway through my first glass of wine.

The guy was pretty decent. Better looking in person than his photos showed. In my experience, that’s always the case. I don’t know why men have such a hard time picking out photos that are good representations of themselves. He picked a fabulous lounge for our date. Swanky and out of the way. I devastated him when I told him that I had been there before (with this guy)…he thought he had a hidden gem. Actually, I’m officially stealing it as my first date spot.

The dude was an investment banker. I hate investment bankers. They rank just slightly above professional athletes on my scale of men-I-would-date. But this guy seemed pretty nice….and very dull. He went on about the markets for 1.5 hours. I like to pay attention to what’s going on in the world around me, but I don’t care to talk about markets for more than 3 minutes. The dude even told me about he took 4 months off work last year so he could just chill out and do the things he loves. What does that entail? Writing a book about the markets.

It sounds worse than it was. He was a nice guy, very ambitious and successful (he clearly gave up having a life to work the markets). He seemed to have a lot of money too…he didn’t drop names in a dropping-names sort of way, but when discussing interests outside of the markets, for the 2 minutes we actually did that, it became apparent to me that he had way more money than me. And I felt intimidated by that.

Thanks woman’s lib. Thanks. Thanks for making ME feel inadequate for not making enough money. 50 years ago, no one would have cared.

Anyway, what I did last night after I realized my embarrassment was an aberration: I lied. I flat out lied about where I was in my career. I told him I was much more ahead of where I am. I love my job and the career path I have chosen. I never lie about things like that. But this guy made me feel so inadequate. I also know I am a horrible liar, and immediately felt like he could tell I was lying. Then I became self-conscious about that. In my post-glass-of-wine state, the best thing I could do was tell him I used to do fitness modeling. Hell, I figured, he’s man. I may not have tons of money, or have the patience to talk about the markets for 5 hours, but at least I have a smokin’ body.

How do we all feel about this? Do we assume everyone lies on the first date? I don’t think I’ve ever lied on the first date. I like to wait until there is something worth lying about to use up my lie credits.

At the end of the date he DID pay. Which was amazing, because for how lovely the venue was, I couldn’t afford the wine list. He was a wine aficionado so I let him pick the wine, and didn’t see the bill. I like to think that he took one look at me and ordered the most expensive thing on the list. But maybe when he saw the fuck-me shoes I was wearing, he realized I didn’t know anything about the markets and ordered the cheapest. I wouldn’t have known the difference. I love those shoes.

Your matches are waiting for you—eHarmony

When I first moved to Toronto 6.5 years ago, I knew no one. In an effort to facilitate making friends, I pledged that I would go out (not date) with anyone who asked. For one year, I did just that. The result was that I unexpectedly ended up hanging out with a group of people that called themselves the Thursday Night Divorcé Club. They were a group of people in their early 30’s who had gone through early-life divorces. It seems logical that a group of people with similar experiences and backgrounds should hang out together. The result was that I would end up getting completely wasted because I hated every minute of it.

The group would discuss how painful the last few years of their lives had been. None of it was good. No one found humor or positivity in anything that was said. There was no bright side. And I? a single 20-something with the word “divorced” nowhere in my lexicon? was not allowed to say anything. Anytime I would attempt to give my thoughts or opinions, I was met with a head tilted to one side, and a look that said ‘the sweet young thing doesn’t know anything about life’.

Now that I’m in my early 30’s, I am in this situation more and more often. The divorce rate is now closer to 55% of all marriages, and I know more and more people who are married and meeting more and more people who are divorced. And nothing changes. I recall a double date a few months back, where, out of the 4 of us, I was the only one who had not had a divorce. I was excluded from 90% of the conversations. In fact, the guy I was there with shared so much more to the other 2 at the table in those few hours than he had ever shared with me in the few months we had dated. I felt like an outsider because I was still a marriage-virgin. I actually asked, when my guy went to use the washroom, if they could stop talking about their divorces, because it was a conversation I couldn’t be part of.

Divorced people think they know something that the rest of us don’t. And it’s true- they know how to have a failed marriage. But I find divorcés typically have an air of arrogance at my innocence. They make me feel as though I should not have an opinion about divorces because I’ve never had one. Maybe divorcés should listen to the rest of us for a change. Hear us out on what we think of the whole matter. We, the non-divorced, talk about men, work, friends, travel and fun stuff when we go out together. They, the divorced, talk about how the world is a dark, desolate place where happiness does not exist. They have something to learn from us.