I have to say something about it. I don’t know if I’m noticing more of it this year, or if our society has reached such a state of obesity that everyone seems to be on some kind of ridiculous diet or workout regime…but it’s getting retarded.

My extended family has started a Biggest Loser contest with each other. I’m getting the hourly updates to how their trek is going, and if I lived anywhere near them, I would shake them (but I love you all). I have an aunt who’s in her 50’s, has eaten a certain way all her life that has led her to be part of this program, and is now on a 1000 calorie a day diet. 1000 calories a day!!! I thought that was insane until some of my friends (a couple) told me they were on that cayenne pepper/maple syrop/lemon juice diet. Why, oh why, do people do this to themselves? Cleanses are nothing but metabolism-fucker-uppers and extreme diets are nothing but gain-it-all-back-and-them-some-while-falling-into-ultimate-depression routines. After the age of 15, nothing about you is going to change over night. Baby steps people…baby steps.

Then there’s the gym. I overheard some guy talking about his new diet. He eats nothing but 2 muffins a day for a week, then he adds in nuts…. What. The. Fuck. People, let’s not take diet advice from people we meet at the insane asylum.

Then there’s the people who in denial. “I started exercising for 30 minutes twice a week, and now I’ve gained weight- it’s my fat turning into muscle.” People, fat NEVER turns into muscle. This is biologically not possible. Secondly, you don’t gain muscle by accident. You have to make a conscious effort to  put muscle on, and it doesn’t happen by doing cardio, it doesn’t happen over a 3 week span. What is happening is that you feel you need to reward your 30 minute walking session by having pizza and ice cream. You are getting fatter.

If you are new to the gym, welcome! unless you are any of these people, then please leave:

- the woman who says she needs to rest for a few days after beginners yogo. You stretch. You don’t need a rest from that at all.

- the man who grunts and yells while benching 50lbs. You are making an ass out of yourself and I am afraid that you are going to drop that 50lbs weight on my foot. When you grunt loud enough for the whole gym to hear, they are all laughing at you, no one thinks you are a stud

- the woman who went shopping at the New Balance store and figured that because it is a fitness store, all the clothes are appropriate for working out. Fall jackets are not meant to be worn on the treadmill, you look like and idiot

- the women who walk 1mph on the treadmill. It is not good for the machine to be going less that 1.5mph. You can actually wreak it. If I was walking down the street and you were in front of me going 1mph, I would push you out of the way. No one walks that slow except the old dude with palsy who pushes his cart up and down my street.

- the guy who stole my bench, after I wiped it down and left my water bottle on it, then turned my back to get a weight. Have you seen me lately? No one takes my damn bench.

- anyone who’s new and thinks they can talk to me. I am gorgeous. I get hit on at the gym all the time. I hate it (that’s a lie. I love it). How did I get this amazing body? By working out effectively. How do I work out effectively? By not wasting my time talking to you. You’ve been working out for 3 weeks. I don’t date men who have smaller biceps than me.  Also, my body is in a league you’ve never even heard of, comments like “for a girl, you really seem to know what you’re doing” or “I know a way you could better target your abs” don’t really fly when you have a keg for a stomach and I could crush your head with my abs. Fucker.

You have no idea how good that felt to write.

Tags: Gym Pet Peeves, losing weight, new years resolutions