I write all the time about how guys never pay on the first dates…but I completely forgot about the cheapest man ever. His names was Steve (for real) and he was dating my friend Jen (not real name).

The first night I met him, we were at some bar. We’d gotten there early enough that the kitchen was still open. The waitress came by, Jen ordered a beer, I ordered a Coke and Steve, who already had a beer, ordered chicken fingers. 10 minutes later, the waitress came back with our order. Jen dug into her purse and pulled out a 10, while I did the same. Steve put his napkin on his lap and started eating. I ordered a Coke…yet I still put in $10. And Steve did nothing. Steve should have paid for the whole thing…after all, he was supposed to be impressing me so I wouldn’t cock-block him. Jen seemed to like him though, so I chalked it all up to a loud bar and him being so engrossed with what I was saying that he just didn’t notice.

Way too early in the relationship, and just a few weeks later, Jen asked him to accompany us and about 25 of our friends on a camping trip in Northern Ontario. Fine. So off we went. I was driving. We stopped just outside of Toronto to fill up with gas. He handed me a $20 to cover his costs. Thanks.

An hour or so into the trip, Steve says, “Hey Jen. I got you a gift.” We both give each other the ‘oh man! A gift after 3 weeks of dating!’ look. He hands her a Roots watch. I own a Roots watch, and I know that they cost around $100, so I was really impressed. Jen says “Wow. Thanks! Uhm. The time is wrong, where is the instruction manual so I can check to see how to reset it?” and Steve replies “There isn’t one. I found it at the gym.” Jen never wore the watch. I actually inherited it. It works great.

4 hours after we left, we got to the town just outside of the park we were camping at and stopped at the liquor store- only Steve and I went in. I grabbed a bottle of something and he grabbed one of something else. When we got to the cash register, the lady behind the counter grabbed both bottles and rang them in together. Instead of lunging forward and saying “No no no! That bottle there is mine!” Steve said “Oh. Thanks Darcie.”

Uhm.

What?

I let it slide. It was only $10. Not worth causing a weekend of awkwardness and angryness over. I was already pissed at him for the watch thing.

When we get back into the car for the final 30 minutes of the drive, he starts to tell me about this great scotch he brought. It was super expensive. He talks about this scotch all weekend actually. To everyone.

Upon arrival at our camping spot the next day (you canoe in), Steve opens up his cooler, realizes he forgot to bring condiments, and decides his food is therefore uneadible and he mooches food off everyone else the entire weekend. I mean everyone. He didn’t eat a single thing from his own cooler. Everyone else had just met him and it didn’t take long for them to get what a mooch he was, and he was quickly resented.

I brought it up to Jen during some alone time we had. I also brought up the Coke vs Chicken Fingers from the first night, and the bottle at the liquor store. She was appalled. Then she told me some behind the scenes stories. The two dates they had before I met him, he forgot his wallet once and only had American money the other. The gas money he handed me at the gas station was hers that she had given him so that he would put it with what he was supposed to pitch in for gas money as well. The cost of the camping spot ended up costing him $55 instead of $5 like he moronically thought it would be and he contemplated hitchhiking home to get out of it.

She decided that once back in the city, she would dump him.

On the final night of our stay, Steve went to bed early. We opened up his cooler, ate everything in it and found his very expensive bottle of scotch. Rather than pass it around and feel it’s delightful warmth pass through our bodies, we threw it on the fire. We resented the guy so much, we wouldn’t even drink his good scotch. It did some pretty neat stuff in the fire.

As she said she would, Jen dumped him upon arrival in the city. Then, she got back together with him, and dumped him again after going to an expensive birthday dinner out with friends he realized he had no cash on him.

Another memorable thing this guy did: he offered to set me up with a guy from his gym. When I asked him if he was single, (as a joke, because I assumed he wouldn’t set me up with a married guy), he responded “Well, no, but why do you care about that?”

I beleive if you look up loser on Wikepedia, this guy’s picture comes up.