Funny how I regret that now. Do you know how different my life would be if I had married a doctor? My tastes have changed.

What you’re seeing here is the excitement level throughout the week from the first date on, rated on a scale of 1 to 10. Allow me to explain;

Day 1: Friday night, the date. You will notice that despite the fact that it was a fabulous date, our excitement level is only a 7. This is because we haven’t discussed the particulars of the date with our friends, and therefore do not yet realize how great of a date this was.

Day 2: The day after the date. After consulting with our friends, it is determined that we are allowed to be excited about the prospect of this date having a shot at the title. Excitement level is at its peak.
Day 3: The excitement is holding.
Day 4: This is when we start to wonder why he hasn’t yet called. The excitement starts to slip, and slowly turns to resentment, anger, and self-pity. Ice-cream may or may not be involved.

Days 5 through 8: Excitement continues to drop until, by the end of the week, we’ve pretty much forgotten who the guy is.

Now, let’s add in a few phone calls to the mix, but no promise of a second date:

Let’s say days 1 through 4 continue on as above, and no call is made.
Day 5: We get the first phone call. Our interest in the potential has started to slip, but the phone call is enough to bring it up again. You will note that the excitement is not brought back up to level 10. The only way to do this is to go out again.
In the above graph, you will notice a zig zag motion that lasts over the span of 2 weeks. Days 5, 7, 9 and 11 are days with phone calls but no date. The phone call reminds us you exists, and does raise our level of excitement, but never as much as was before. I reiterate that another date is the only way to bring the excitement level back to its peak.
Day 13 is interesting because it includes a phone call, but again, no date. You will note that the excitement level does not rise. By this time, we’ve become rather annoyed with the guys, and even a phone call can no longer revive our excitement.

By Day 14, a phone call would make no difference because we will ignore it. Clearly, the man does not have enough balls to be with us. We’re probably banging his best friend at this point.

From the above analysis, I will say that Day 3 (2 days after the fabulous date) is the ideal time to call a woman. If the date is indeed fabulous, then the day immediately following would be appropriate. If the date sucked, and we hate the man in question, then a phone call would do no good, and we wouldn’t answer or return it anyway.

2)    Jon and Kate Plus 8: Once I am successful with #1, I should seek out fertility drugs so I can have a million babies. Then, I can spend the rest of my life living on corporate sponsorship. Brilliant.

3)    The Apprentice: If #2 doesn’t work out, and I have to go back to work in corporate-Canada, I will know that drama is the way to work the corporate ladder. Clearly, I will have a long and rewarding career if I can entertain my boss appropriately.

4)    Extreme Makeover:  Of course, after having giving birth to a million kids (see #2), I will need to get a tummy tuck. They would for sure give me all the plastic surgery I want because I will be famous, sad and broke. Great reality tv.

5)    Dancing With The Stars: After I get my extreme makeover, and am camera ready, I will take my horrible white-girl dance moves to Dancing With The Stars. It’s every washed up celebrity’s dream.

6)    The Osbournes: When #5 doesn’t quite shoot me into stardom, I know that I can make a killing by exploiting my drug addictions from the painkillers I will have become addicted to after my #4.

7)    Celebrity Rehab With Dr Drew: After all else fails, once no one remembers me anymore, and I have gone broke from having to buy my pain killers on the black market, I will end up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew. Currently my all-time favorite reality tv show.

So Friday, I was working out in the evening, and totally didn’t expect to see him because he works as a bouncer on Friday nights. I was near the back of the gym and spotted him about 1/2 way through my workout. I didn’t want to seem too eager or excited to see him, so I kept working out until he came over to me. And he didn’t just saunter my way either.

Picture being at the gym, Friday night, hardly anyone there, and having a 300lbs man shout at you then barrel down the length of the gym to give you one of those high-five-hugs while you’re laying on the bench press. I’m sure the other gym-goers were amused.

In our brief conversation, I was reminded why I like to see this guy when I work out. Some days, I don’t talk to anyone except work people, and Mustang is so refreshing. The guy has a perma smile that goes ear to ear. He loves his job, loves his food and loves his life. The dude seemingly has zero baggage. It’s refreshing. Maybe I should take him up on his offer to go for wings “sometime”.

#8- Tiger Woods’ Wife

I just want to know the story. I think she’d tell me. People open up to me.

#7- Eddie Vedder

One of my favorite singers. I bet we’d stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking. He’d ask me tons of questions about myself, then write a song about me.

#6- Jennifer Aniston

She’s always been one of my favorite actresses. She just seems really nice, in that mega-rich kind of way. We probably wouldn’t have beer though…we’d probably go for a walk or do some yoga. She seems really into the fitness. And she’s funny. It’s hard for a woman to be funny. We’d be besties.

#5- Nikki Sixx

Not just because he’s a Future Husband of mine. I’ve stalked him for a while now, and he’s actually a really smart guy (besides the heroin). He’d probably tell me stuff that would blow my mind. And then we probably would get married, so win-win.

#4- Seth Rogan- 5 years ago

Remember when he was in The 40 Year Old Virgin, and he just played a regular guy? I loved him then. When he started taking on more lead roles, and they just sucked. But he seems like he might have some intelligent humor in him.

#3- David Bowie

We’d talk about the 80’s all night.

#2- Johnny Depp

Yes, another future husband, but that’s not really the point. He seems perfectly deranged and fucked up. Probably has ADD, so we wouldn’t have to stay on a dead topic for too long. We’d talk about the 90’s all night. And then we probably would get married.

#1- Marilyn Manson

Come on. Like you wouldn’t want to know what exactly is going on in that brain of his?

First of all, Date #3 is no longer what it used to be. Men have gotten cheaper, time has gotten tighter. Dates used to be all about dinner and a movie. Now, they include a rushed lunch, dutch drinks or, if you’re lucky, appetizers after work. The idea of a nice dinner then talking over wine until the wee hours of the morning has all but disappeared. This means that by Date #3 I haven’t even had a meal bought for me yet.

This makes us women want to push back the Date on which we give ourselves to you physically. I know some of you retarded men think that this doesn’t bother us. You are incorrect. We have biological needs as you do…but we have a lot more to lose if we give it up too quickly. We’re in this for the eventual relationship, not the quick one-night-stand. Society still hasn’t been able to reconcile women who give it up too soon with women who want relationships. So by giving you your all-the-way, we’re sacrificing our all-the-way. And, quite frankly, no one is happy about this.

So, gentlemen, what I ask is that you go back to buying us dinner.

Date #1, Drinks

Date #2, Dinner

Date #3, Movies at my place

All that being said…I haven’t had even a second date in ages. The third date is a foreign concept to me.

At these parties, I’ve met several guys to whom I was attracted, and to whom I’ve given my number. Gentlemen, when you get a ladies number, what is the purpose of continuing to speak to them? Why must you hang out with them for the rest of the night?

This is something that drives me nuts.

1) I’m usually consuming alcohol at these parties, which means my ability to say hilarious and witty things is altered. I have to start trying to come up with things to shout over loud music. Uncomfortable.

2) Secondly, the guy, though sometimes good looking, is not always the best looking guy at the party. So while I’m trapped in bad first date conversation, I can usually see a better looking guy somewhere else, randomly bump into some other chick and start a conversation. That could have been me.

3) After I’ve given a guy my number, what more is there to do? All they’re doing is giving me more reasons not to answer when he does call. He could have been able to say “I went on a date with FitDarcie”, now all he can say is “I got FitDarcie’s number, but she never returned my call.”

4) I probably have other friends there, who apparently make bad wing-women. Instead of being with them catching up on the latest gossip, or playing kill-fuck-marry, I’m stuck talking to some bozo to whom I’m becoming less and less attracted to.

Really, people, after they’ve gotten the number, what on earth is the purpose of sticking around?

Initially, I’d see her only in passing. I’d be coming in as she was going out. A few months ago, she started working out later. There were a few times where she’d be near a bench on a busy day, and I ask her if anyone was using it. She responded with a stare that would make Satan turn red in the face. I have since been deathly afraid of her. I’ve still yet to hear her voice.

One of the guys at the gym with whom I am friendly has been trying to get to me to join a martial arts class. I hate pretty much anything about martial arts. I’d rather go to a Star Trek convention than sit in a room with adults who do martial arts. The Trekies would be cooler. So, I’ve been declining his requests. Primarily though, the reason I refuse to take this particular class, is because Satan Woman is in it. With my luck, I’d get paired with her, and end up dead.

I’m pretty sure she has a thing for the martial arts guy, and doesn’t appreciate him speaking to me. That’s the only conceivable reason I can find for her hating me so much.

The other day, things just got creepy. We were at the gym at the same time, and were leaving around the same time. I was in the changeroom washing my hands. The sinks are perpendicular to the showers, so when I look up into the mirror, I can see the row of showers off to the side. When I looked up, Satan Woman had her head poked out of the shower stall and was giving me her look of death.

Now I think I might have to take some form of martial arts to defend myself. Or maybe get some pepper spray to scratch out those devil eyes.

I decided to go through my Facebook and come up with photos of me from parties past to prove it. I am a happy drunk.

1) Comparing arms. This photo was also featured in a post I did about how I was losing my place in society.

Laughing hysterically at Darren Rowse from Problogger. He must have said something amazing.

With bestie Franca. She’s going to kill me for posting this.

Some guy in a bar making a move on me. Still smiling, though kinda looking grossed out.

Catching a bouquet at a wedding. A lot of good that did me.

With my bro at my sis’ wedding.

Riders winning the Grey Cup. Woo hoo! Like my green eye shadow?

Laying on a blue mannequin in a suitcase in a restaurant in Vegas. Stilllll smiling.

With my arms around a pair of twins.

Telling all you assholes that I need to smile more to fuck off.

Moral of the story? You want me to smile…say something that makes me. It can’t be hard, a mannequin in a suitcase did it.