How eHarmony Works
The other day a reader was asking about eHarmony. I figured since I’ve got another 2 months left on my membership, I should explain how it works.
It’s not like other dating sites where you create a profile, then scroll through hundreds of profiles based on certain characteristics. You fill out their questionnaires. It takes a good 30 minutes to do it, but it’s not hard. You answer questions about your personality and how you view yourself. They also ask you how important certain things are- like how much you value a person’s physical appearance. There’s a few open questions, like “What’s your passion”, but for the most part, you pick from a list.
Every day, they send you “matches” so basically, based on what you told them about yourself, they match you with someone their computer thinks matches you. So far, I’ve been getting 7 a day. Initially, they really seemed to be matching quite closely, and I understand what the system was matching us on. They all had indicated they were very active, they were mostly professionals, etc. Now I mostly get Asians from the suburbs. I guess they only had a handful of real matches.
The communication isn’t just straight up messaging each other either. You can go straight to messages, but I hate that. I like to criticize people based on their selections of questions. So, I get the profile, like the photo, read the profile, then decide to communicate. These are the steps that happen from there:
Step 1: “Get to know you” In this stage, you select from a list of prewritten multiple choice questions. This is a pretty warm-and-fuzzy stage, with questions like ‘What are you most likely to do on a day off?’ or ‘What’s your idea of adventure?’. There are some really dumb questions on there that help to week out the crazies with too much baggage. For example, one question asks what your views are on premarital sex.
I got some questions from a guy that I thought was a complete nut. In all his photos, he was drinking pretty heavily. He asked the dumbest questions. One asked how jealous of a person I am. Wanting to test to see how analytical men were of these questions, I told him not overly abusive, but quite jealous. He also asked how often I loose my temper. I said at least once a day. He also asked how physically affectionate I was. I said not at all. He apparently likes women who are hot-tempered jealous prudes cause he requested the next level of communication. Idiot.
On the same note, the majority of men ask the question about how physically affectionate I am. The answers to select from insinuate that it’s just asking whether or not you’re into hugs, but what a dumb question. Men are so predictable.
From there, if your match answers your questions, then they send you their questions to ask. Once those are answered you go to Step 2- Must Haves and Can’t Stands. Easily, this is the most pointless of all the steps. They give you a list of good things that every human wants, and a list of bad things that no one wants. You select half a dozen and send them off. You learn nothing from this about the other person. There’s no way to weed out the losers. And again, you need to respond to each others before moving on to the next stage.
Stage 3: Learn More About Him This is where you ask short answer questions. You can create your own, or select from a list. This is my favorite part because I’m excellent at writing about myself. I think the dumbest one I had, was from a guy who asked why I chose to communicate with him. How are you supposed to answer that? The answer really was that I’m on eHarmony so I can go on lots of dates this summer, and the day I got his match, he was the best one, but I couldn’t say that, so I just didn’t bother responding. I figured he was probably looking for someone to tell him about how amazing he looks while running a marathon in his spandex (his profile picture- can we please talk about how men should never wear spandex?)
Once you answer each others questions, you move on to e-mail and start planning out your lives. I try to keep the e-mails down to 4 back-and-forths before I decide they’re too sissy to ask me out on a date. After we get through the general resume, why do we need to keep e-mailing?
The beauty of online dating is how disposable the matches are. In real life, regardless of how much of a loser a guy is, you still feel bad when you’re ignoring them. I ignore 7 men a day online and don’t feel guilty about it at all.
Your matches are waiting for you—eHarmony
July 29th, 2010 at 6:22 am
Darce, don’t look on eharmony. It fed you the best matches long ago and now it’s grasping at straws. Your Omega Man lives elsewhere.
July 29th, 2010 at 8:58 am
Sounds much more complicated than I expected.
July 29th, 2010 at 9:06 am
I like that we’re referring to the future Mr FitDarcie as Omega Man.
It’s really not that complicated. It’s much easier than having to browse on your own, and the steps make sense to me. It’s fun!
July 29th, 2010 at 10:42 am
Hi Darcie, hope you are having a great summer, just stopped by to say “HI”.
I’ll be around more in the fall.
July 29th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Tease…
July 29th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I dunno, it does seem like a little more work than I expected. I thought it was more like, you fill out a profile and upload it, and then they send you potential matches and you can go see their profiles and see if you’re interested. But I guess that by having to do all of this extra stuff, and pay all that money, it helps weed out those who aren’t serious about finding a relationship, so that must be good. And I would agree that, if you have all that info online, there shouldn’t be much need for too much talking before going out. If you like the profile, just meet for drinks or coffee or whatever and get it over with.
July 29th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
a lot of women though get embarrassed though with saying “we met on FindaWife.com” or whatever…
you know…the answer to the question “how did you meet”
a person is a person is a person no matter where you meet…but social pressure is too much for some.
July 29th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Teenwolf! I’ve missed you! So has everyone else! Come back soon!
Jason, that’s exactly it.I’ve been on some online dating sites where it’s obvious that men are mass communicating…throwing it all out to see what comes back, and that’s annoying. I like the work because it keeps the whores away.
I never understood why people get embarrassed about online dating. I’ve been doing it off and on for 6 years. Pretty much everyone I know has at least tried it, and 90% of them tell me “but don’t tell anyone”.
July 29th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
So what other sites have you used, and how do they compare? I recall reading some old posts that mentions something called Lavalife, which I’ve never heard of. And of course I know you’ve tried speed-dating, which I don’t think I’d like because it puts to much emphasis on the immediate first impression.
July 29th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Soooooooooooooooooo why are you on eHarmony again? It sounds awful.
July 29th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Well, I do suppose that anyone who is willing to pay $120 and spend half and hour filling out online forms must be someone who takes this seriously. Although one question I’d have is, do they give refunds if you decide you want to drop out early? Because what if I sign up and on my very first date I meet the woman of my dreams? She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and she feels the same about me. But I’d have to tell, well, you’re perfect, but I’m going to HAVE to keep going out with other women for the next three months, even if I don’t really want to anymore. I mean, I don’t want to waste that money I already spent!
July 30th, 2010 at 8:19 am
I had success on lavalife 6 years ago. I tried it again in January and it’s shit. From what I can tell, it’s a pretty Canadian site. I think what happens to all these sites is once the masses find out about them, they get flooded, and too many men (usually a good thing) can sometimes suck.
I tried Plenty of Fish for about 3 days before I decided it was crap too.
I went speed dating last night, and it’s REALLY loosing it’s luster. I didn’t even have fun.
eHarmony is not awful. It’s not a magical place full of smart, buff men, but it’s not the worst thing in the world.
They do not give refunds. But, if you meet the woman of your dreams after being on there for 1 day, I’d say it’s still $120 well spent.
July 31st, 2010 at 10:18 am
Is there any specific reason why Asians can’t be a “real match”?
July 31st, 2010 at 11:03 am
I’m not attracted to most Asians.