I’m Afraid Of Commitment
As those of you who so graciously follow my comments know, I had a date with a second eharmony.com bachelor on Tuesday night. He was pretty great. He was smart, good looking, works out regularly, eats meat, loved my stories…the 2 and a half hours flew by, and I didn’t even need to get drunk. Win-win, most would say.
There’s a secret women share that I’m not sure most men know about…immediately after meeting a guy, we size them up for their potential husbandness. We imagine how they would react when meeting our parents, friends and colleagues; what it would be like to go grocery shopping with them on a Saturday morning; how they would do on a camping trip…We don’t think of getting married to them immediately, we just wont date a guy we don’t think would fit.
This is our massive flaw.
Back to Tuesday. I come home after having a good time with eharmony.com Bachelor #2, and I start to see these images in my head of what it would be like to date him. His massive downfall? He’s a 905er. For my non-GTA readers, 905 is the area code for the suburbs. Us 416ers despise 905ers. It’s not because we’re snobs and think we’re better than everyone else, they just have a very different lifestyle that I don’t think I’m cut out for. So, when I’m imagining my life with this new man, I imagine living in this massive empty home in the ‘burbs, having been forced to give up my job and rent hotel rooms downtown every time I want to visit my friends. I’d rather date a small-town boy than a 905er.
And I became afraid.
Then he asked me out on a second date, asked me if there were any good restaurants a Toronto mall that’s just off the highway. And that’s when I lost my marbles. I think I had a small panic attack. I’m envisioning getting dressed up in Dress Barn specials on my birthday night and heading out to the Pickle Barrel for celebrations. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Logically speaking, I know that this is just a second date, and in no way will define my future. But I started to realize what I would have to give up in a relationship. I live such a free life right now. I do what I want, when I want. This includes talking to exes on a regular basis, having dinner with men I know are just wrong for me, drunk texting men that I’ve dumped, and and making out with a random guy at the bar on a Tuesday.
This has happened to me before. A while back, I did this post. What I’m going through right now, as we’re nearing our second date, is exactly what I felt back then. Pressure. Like I need to perform.
I have been single for almost 5 years now, and I like this life. I only make my bed 3 times a week. How can I give that up?
Jason, you asked in a comment the other day what it was that I was doing wrong?? I am subconsciously not committing. I think that’s what I want, but, perhaps, I don’t at all. When I think about the men I’ve dated in the past 5 years, barely any of them have made it to date #2. The ones that have were so obviously not available. I’ve made it this far in life alone, cougardom is just around the corner, why stop now?
Join eHarmony—Love Begins Here!
July 24th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Nothing wrong with imagining your future with someone early on. Especially as you get older (don’t you hate that qualifier?), there’s just no point in wasting time. When you’re in your early 20’s you can hang with someone that you know has no long-term potential, and just enjoy it for what it is, while it lasts. But now it’s like, if there’s something about someone that is an absolute deal-breaker, then it’s best to just avoid the heartbreak. Don’t wait until 5 years later when you’re engaged and suddenly you realize “Oh, crap, he’s a Jew and I’m a Catholic, and neither family will accept it!” Should have thought about that before you even started dating.
That being said, this doesn’t sound like too big of a problem to me. Change is always difficult, especially when you’ve gotten used to living a certain way. Think about how you lived with that other guy whom you said was a complete loser for almost 3 years. You knew he sucked, but you got used to being in a relationship with him, so it was tough to break lose. Just like know you’re used to living single, and having your own routine, that will be tough to adjust to as well, but you’ll get into it (if it works).
Even the living situation isn’t that big as you think it is now. If you could adapt from being a Farm Girl to a City Girl, then you could also adapt to being a Suburb Girl, if you have to. Or maybe, if things progress, you could end up getting him to move to the city to be closer to you. So don’t worry about that now. It sounds like it was a good date.
I think your biggest fear is the effect that a happy relationship will have on this blog. So much of your “FitDarcie” persona is built on being the Hot Chick Who Has Trouble Attracting A Good Man. That’s like 90% of these posts. If you suddenly find yourself in a stable committed relationship, what the heck are you going to write about?!?
July 24th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
You prefer being a cougar over a MILF?
416 is the place to be if you prefer being single…905 is for families
July 25th, 2010 at 8:57 am
The seer closes his eyes and concentrates. The following vision appears…
Darce, I don’t know if most women go into obsessive husband-eval mode on date #2, but I feel you do. If you want to go down this path, I feel you’ll do best with ex-small town guys who live in 416.
You like the freedom to not make your bed. Good. My wife doesn’t make her bed. Neither of us give a **** about making beds. My question to you is - why are you making your bed 3x a week? Do you give a **** about making beds, or not?
Pressure to perform. Tell it to **** off. If this leads you to being a hot analytic cougar, good. The world needs more hot analytical cougars.
July 25th, 2010 at 9:00 am
@J.R. Nice post.
July 25th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
Wasn’t there a Seinfeld episode about the area code issue
July 26th, 2010 at 12:24 am
I like this Overseer17 person.
@Vic: I remember that one. Elaine had to get a new phone number, and they gave her a different area code. And when she gave her number to some new guy he ended up throwing it away because it was too much trouble.
“So, do I have to dial a one, first?”
Darcie was right, so much of her life can be defined by that show.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:09 am
@JR- 90% of the reason I moved to the city was to live a city lifestyle. I’d actually rather be in a small town than in a suburbs. I HATE suburban lifestyle. It reminds me so much of Jersey Shore.
And I think my ideal man would love this blog. He’d probably have to enjoy being written about. I think a blog about changing from chronic singledom to relationship status would be interesting?
@Overseer, it’s NOT obsessive husband mode, and EVERY woman does it. I’ve been doing it since I was 15. I have friends who come from first dates and talk about how they are assholes, and have no longterm potential, but they’d see them again. I think if everyone was honest with themselves upfront about where a relationship was going, it would be so much easier later on. And, like I said, that doesn’t mean we want to get married IMMEDIATELY, but we don’t see the point in wasting our time with someone who doesn’t fit what we’ve been waiting so long for.
@Vic, I saw the Seinfeld episode you’re referring to before living in 416, and I didn’t get it. It makes perfect sense now.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:34 am
@Darcie: It depends on what kind of relationship you get into, and how it works, and how he feels about you sharing details about what is going on with you two. The most recent guy sounds like he could be the most interesting (in terms of future blog posts) with that whole Suburb vs City dynamic. I could see some funny posts about you attempting to adjust to being with someone with this vastly different lifestyle. Again, that depends on whether or not he’d appreciate you blogging about him, or maybe if he were to join in. One of my favorite FitDarcie archive posts was your post about going to a Poison concert with your sister, and you actually had your sister injected her comments in the blog. That was hilarious. So some He Said/She Said posts could be interesting.
But will it last as long, and work as well, as your current status? I mean, no more Dating Horror Stories (since you’ll just be dating the one same guy all the time), or Gym Guy Stories (since now you’ll just have an automatic excuse of “I have a boyfriend” to drive the guys away), those were some of my favorite posts! Well, I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see.
July 26th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Maybe we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. Just because I’m going on a rarely-heard-of second date doesn’t mean I’m moving to the suburbs and learning to bake pies.
July 26th, 2010 at 10:12 am
Just trying to think positively!
July 26th, 2010 at 11:35 am
kay so i havent read the other comments due to the sheer panic im in for your future
so others may have addressed this already
905?!?!?!?!?!?!
JEEZUS!!!!!!
the absolute horror
i once wound up in the 905 with some friends from ottawa
(its not their fault they didnt know any better, i however have never been able to get over the shock)and there was a LINE UP to get inot Jack Astors particulary the dancefloor section
i damn near shit my pants
who lives like that???????????
dude wants to eat somewhere off the highway??
like beaver lane???
dont let it happen!!!!!!!!
that shit is crazy
however all is not lost
you my dear just have to turn him into a city boy
FEAR NOT YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
after spending a few nights at YOUR place in the CITY
he’ll see all the cool things you can do and neat place you can go
and then he’ll want to live here in a condo and he’ll walk everywhere as opposed to driving
city people dont drive because then they have to pay for parking
(the poor boy must be bankrupt, Help him!)
suburbanites just live in ignorance thats all
educate him honey
EDUCATE HIM
July 26th, 2010 at 11:52 am
You need therapy.
July 26th, 2010 at 11:53 am
>you my dear just have to turn him into a city boy
Why do chicks always want to change a guy?
Ive noticed the following about 416 v 905:
*416ers are easier to talk to - they are more used to conversation
with strangers whereas 905’s are bored but they are fearful and not used to talk with strangers
so become defensive or aloof
*905ers get REALLY dressed up to go downtown
* 2 kinds of 416ers - either a newage-hippie type riding old goodwill bicycles (possibly anti-capitalist) or YUPPIE type that lives in a condo near spadina and front
July 26th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Subconsciously rejecting men due to a fear of committment.
What an interesting, self-reflecting post.
Who are you, and what have you done with the real Darcie?
July 26th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
Desire, FINALLY, someone who knows what I’m going through.
Fat Marcie…are you Darren? Seriously?
905ers really do get dressed up to go out downtown. 90% of people in club district on a Saturday night are 905ers. Toronto people don’t go out on Saturdays anymore.
I had a moment of weakness this weekend Jason. Sorry. It wont happen again.
July 27th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Do you know Desire Mention in person? She sounds like she’s hot.
July 28th, 2010 at 8:43 am
I do know her. And she is hot.
July 28th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Sadiejayn sounds cute, too.
July 28th, 2010 at 9:03 am
I don’t know her personally. She used to comment regularly, but seems to have vanished. She was a bartender. I liked her. I hate that I have hardly any women who comment. All the stuff I talk about on here are things I talk about with my girl friends, so I don’t understand why girls never comment.
July 28th, 2010 at 9:07 am
Yeah, I’ve noticed since I first started reading and commenting that the few regular females have slowly dropped off over the past few months. This is turning into quite the sausage fest here. We need more double-X chromosomes here.
July 28th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Maybe you need to do more “future husbands” posts? Get some pics of hunky dudes up, to draw in more female readers.
July 29th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
I’m a female reader - huge fan - love your awesomeness. Just found you recently and have not been able to stop reading your archives. Hope you give the guy a chance. Never know how much he might love the city.
July 30th, 2010 at 8:26 am
Yay Kim! I love women (not in the same way I love men).
I actually can’t do it with the suburb guy. I just can’t. I went out with him again on Wednesday. I could nitpick his faults to death, but what it really comes down to is that I can’t envision myself having a mad passionate makeout session with him. That’s important.
I actually, on the spot, told him I’d see him again on Monday. Now I have to break the news to him that it’s never going to happen and I don’t know how. He loves me.
July 30th, 2010 at 8:57 am
Why am I not surprised?
July 30th, 2010 at 9:02 am
I tried.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
*sigh*
You’re hopeless. I give up.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
The dude acted like he wanted babies TOMORROW. He actually uttered the words “If we get married someday…” Sorry, but that’s going to make me run for the hills.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Don’t be so freaked out. You would have, like, 9 whole months to get used to the idea before FitBabie arrived. I hope this guy sends you flowers and leaves a note on your car.
July 30th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
hahaha. FitBabie. I like that.
I’ll probably marry the first person to put a note on my car. Which would be more of a challenge right now since it broke down a few days ago and is still sitting at the grocery store parking lot.
August 2nd, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Hi- was introduced to this blog by my best friend/dating coach! :). Enjoying it so far as a single attractive gal who dates online. I’ll be adding comments along the way. Raised in the city, now in the burbs, so I’m a single 416er who sadly ended up as a 905er. Lol…looking forward to sharing my experiences. Ciao for niao :)
August 2nd, 2010 at 7:07 pm
I’d love to hear some of them. Do you date 905ers? Do you prefer them to 416ers? Can you tell the difference?
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:28 pm
All of these numbers are confusing me. It’s like y’all are writing in some secret code.
August 3rd, 2010 at 8:28 am
Hahaha. 416= city, 905= suburb