The Alcoholic-Blog-Hating-Athiest-With-2- Ex-Wives
One of the guys I was matched with at speed dating contacted me and said the words I love to hear “Nice to meet you. Want to get together? How’s Monday?” As you know from my experience with Mustang, I appreciate the direct method of asking out (note: I am also e-mail chatting with a guy from that night who feels our next step would be to talk on the phone. At this rate, we’ll be dating in 2 months. Just ask me out mother fucker). So, naturally, I said yes.
Our first date was fine. He was better looking than I remembered, polite, smart. Then WHAMO! 3 kids and 2 ex wives. The kids I can handle. But TWO exes before you’re 40? That’s a dude with some serious issues. Though he had a good job, you gotta figure he’s broke supporting all of that.
I think I wanted to appear open-minded, so I agreed to a second date. I pretty much regretted it immediately. 2 exes. But whatever, you never know.
The second date was bad. Early on in the evening, we were talking about social media, and he made fun of people with blogs. I grinned and asked if that meant he didn’t google me. He looked at me like I was an alien and asked if I had googled him. Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t google dates these days? I google everyone the second I find out their last name.
But back it up. He made fun of people who blog. Though I realize my blog is probably the first thing I will have to give up when I enter into a relationship, I’m desperately hoping to find someone who at least gets it. He said something about how it was wrong for anyone to think their life is that interesting. Clearly, he did not google me. My life is amazing.
After that conversation, he was on his 5th beer, I was on my first. It had only been ½ an hour. Sweet. He’s Mr Baggage and an alcoholic. Right up my alley. At some point, I made fun of a cousin of mine who is atheist. He pounced on this, and I spent the next hour and half listening to why organized religion is shits and being atheist rocks. It was a very one sided conversation. I think I went up to use the bathroom at one point and he didn’t notice I’d left.
I did my best to steer the conversation to other subjects, but it was fruitless. I may have led him to believe that I thought pre-marital sex was not kosher. I meant it as a joke, but he had no sense of humour.
So the end of night: we had both taken the subway- for him, it was responsible considering how loaded he planned on getting. For me it was for convenience. The parting was uneventful. I spent the next 20 minutes of my ride trying to decide if I was the type of person to keep a guy in my phone for the purposes of a booty call. He was good looking after all. Of course, I’d have to worry about the possibility of him passing out on me or speaking.
So I get off the subway and immediately get a text message “Hey Darcie. It was great getting to know you. I think it’s best we just be friends. Good luck in your search.”
HE dumped ME. I got dumped by an alcoholic atheist blog-hater with 2 ex wives. Excuse me while I got into seclusion. Clearly, I am not meant to be part of society.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:54 am
OUCH!!!! But you know what, he may have known you were going to dump him, because he was being such a dumbass the whole night, so he pre-emptively dumped you to save face.
On a side note, I dont think hed make the best booty call. He does after all have 3 kids, maybe thats how that started. Or he could pass out on you or start talking.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I spent a while trying to convince myself he preempted the dumpage. Didn’t quite work in my brain.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
OMG, wow, that one sucks.
I got a new group of potentials for you D, fresh off the boat from UK. hope you like English guys.
Happy Birthday Darcie!!!!
See you tonight to get the drunk on.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
What the??????
its your birthday?!?!?!
well i cant make fun of you blog posting now!
for the record
that story was just plain RAD
who is this dude??
and then he dumps you
AMAZEBALLS
made my bloody day
i hope someone makes yours
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARCIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 17th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I bet you in that 20 minutes he had ‘goggled’ you, found your blog, and then sent the text.
I guess not everyone can be fitdarcie fans in this world…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember when I sang happy birthday to you last year with the jazz band and then again this morning?
November 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Hey Franca, is goggling someone when you have beer goggles on and you google someone?
November 17th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
hahahhaha….oh man i knew i shouldn’t have trusted spell check….
story of my life…
November 17th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
@Chad, yes I am into blokes.
Thanks for the bday wishes guys. Thanks for making it public…now i should expect presents.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Now that’s a great date story! I think that there’s also the possibility that he’s actually practicing breaking off relationships so that he doesn’t end up with any more wives / kids. If you’re looking for a booty call, try and find a guy who’s less fertile!
November 17th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I’m shocked you didn’t volunteer to be my booty call.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
On a similar note, I just found out yesterday a cheap guy you went on a date with, recently got a girl knocked up and then just married her…
Which I’m sure surprises you not at all…
November 17th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
She had to marry him. There is no way on earth she would collect child support from him.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I stop checking this for a little while and you start dating a new level of loser?
Go for broke. Make your type fat, short, bald, near sighted, unemployed, hairy, socially objectionable, with professional grade B O and supporting 10 kids in another country with food stamps and welfare?
Why are you speed dating? 1994 is very upset you won’t let it rest in peace.
I wouldn’t worry about the sudden text dump. This guy sounds experienced and could probably tell if he was going to be getting anywhere after about 5 seconds. That’s why he got bombed. You should have stolen his wallet. He was probably so drunk he wouldn’t have canceled his cards until the next day.
Why does it always lead back to crime with you? Your fault.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Oh my god. You are a genius. I should get all my dates bombed and then steal their wallets.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
wallets. cars. kidneys.
anything of value. as usual our 60:40 me:you split
November 18th, 2009 at 9:20 am
My cut gets higher depending on how hot they are and whether or not I have to sleep with them.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
happy birthday girl!! hope it was great!
in the meantime, i don’t even think you got preemptively dumped…you had already dumped him, you were just going to do it silently…the good old fashioned ignoring way. he just proved that he had to be a loser by sending a text message to “break off” something that wasn’t even there.
please, you had already moved on.
AND - ps, you’ll notice that my blog is, sadly, gone :( it may return but my “friends” were posting links on FB meaning that the hustler, the firefighter AND the pizza boy all had access to the fact that i had nicknamed and was subsequently making fun of them. ooops ;)
November 18th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Haha. Oh that sucks about your blog! Let us all know when you put it back up!
November 19th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Darcie - I had forgotten how funny you are. Carrie Bradshaw has nothing on you.