I was at the home opener for the Toronto Argonaughts this past weekend. I wasn’t there to cheer on the Argos. That would be sacreligious for a Saskatchewanian like me. I was there to show my Rider Pride (btw- painting yourself in green glitter and sitting with 4 other guys all wearing letters that spell out P-R-I-D-E means something totally different in Toronto than it does in Sask. Just a heads up).

Toronto, so close to Buffalo and their NFL, doesn’t have much CFL love. When I was in Regina, you knew when it was game day even if you didn’t follow football. It was a whole event. As a single woman in my early twenties, I had seasons tickets to the Riders so that I could meet men. It was at a Rider game that I discovered my love for black men…and subsequently met my first black boyfriend (he played University football, but was not a Rider like most people assumed because that’s what 90% of the black men in Regina do).

I personally wouldn’t touch a CFL player (or any other major leagues sports player) with a 10 foot pole. They are nice to look at, but diiiiiiirty. I’d had several opportunities though. I’ve been asked out by several of the Riders (Regina is small, and I am smoking) all of whom I turned down. They acted like they owned the city…and in some citizen’s minds, they did. They got to pass lineups at bars, and always got food and drinks for free (which was probably a good thing since Answers.com says the average salary is $50k…probably CAD). I personally didn’t care for them. It was obvious who they were…Regina isn’t exactly swarming with 400lbs black dudes…yet they always managed to work into the first sentence they uttered that they were Riders.

Then there was Trevis Smith. He was the hottest of all the Riders. He told me he was a model in the off-season. He kinda looked like seal, and had that brute force that makes my toes curl even though he wears tight spandex pants. Thank god I have lead-armour will-power because he was charged with aggrevated sexual assault a year or two after I met him for having unprotected sex while having AIDS.

Anyway, since I moved to Toronto, and haven’t had any Rider spirit to feed off of, I’ve kinda lost track of things. So I went through this year’s roster, and here are my pics for the season:

Stevie Baggs: He is clearly the most attractive Rider. I didn’t who he was from a hole in the ground until this weekend when I saw him play…and even whithout seeing his face, I was enchanted by him. He has such amazing energy. Not in the granola-fortune-telling kinda way, but in the alpha-male-pummel-anyone-who-gets-in-my-way way. And he just looks happy. Like in this pic, he isn’t posing for the camera. He’s just happy to be there. At halftime, Teenwolf actually texted me and told me I should go for him. It’s obvious. I kept referring to him as my boyfriend whenever he did something.

Chris Szarka: I think he’s been fan-favorite or MVP a million times. He was hot when I lived in Regina, and funny as hell. I met him once too. He looked like a massive Brad Pitt. I think that makes him better than Brad Pitt. If anyone knows him, please give him my number.

Jason Clermont: Not because he’s attractive…he looks more like a hockey player than a football player. He does have good eyes and a solid jaw, but he kinda looks like a new imigrant from the 50’s. The reason I like him was because I think I went to University with him. As far as I can remember, he hung out with the fat, slutty, low-self esteem girls. I heard one of them go on and on about how he was such an asshole and a total player, and then a week later, she had slept with him. She showed me her breast reduction. I don’t remember her name.

And that’s it. The roster is pretty ugly this year. Maybe they have talent?

Tags: argos, cfl, chris szarka, jason clermont, riders, Saskatchewan Roughriders, stevie baggs, trevis smith